The Shinigami Women's Association
by Trio of Terror
Summary: The Shinigami Women's Association makes minor decisions concerning the lives of the Shinigami within Soul Society. These are some of those decisions and their results. [rating for language, circumstances, and randomness][R&R][Some crossover silliness]
1. Dinner

The Shinigami Women's Association  
A series of Drabbles and one-shots

1: Dinner

Note: I do not own bleach, even though I wish i did.  
These are the result of extreme boredom.

* * *

The Shinigami Women's Association (SWA) is a group of women who make decisions on small things to make the women of Seireitei more comfortable in an otherwise male-dominated society. However, Kuchiki Byakuya decided, these decisions were getting uncomfortably larger.  
Said Captain looked around the large kitchen with distaste. Several other taichou, fukutaichou, and some officers--all male--were working their darndest to make dinner--wait, did he just say "darndest"? Byakuya silently cursed Renji and returned his attention to the chinese cabbage he was supposed to be slicing.  
Speaking of Renji...  
Byakuya glanced over at his fukutaichou, and did a double take. Renji was in a very pink apron elbow-high in dough, with a ridiculously serious expression on his face. It took every fiber of Byakuya's being not to burst out laughing.  
"RAHHHH!"  
Yet another great crash came from the far end of the kitchen.  
"AHH!"  
"T-taichou! No horseplay in the--!"  
"No catfish can beat me! Die, fish, die!"  
Another crash accompanied a blast of reiatsu that snet quite a few people to their knees.  
Facepalm.  
"Oy."  
Byakuya turned around to find himself nose-to-nose with a grinning, flour-drenched Renji. The captain jumped. Renji's goofy grin widened.  
"What's with that look, Abarai?"  
"Scared ya."  
"That damned Zaraki has no control over his reiatsu. It's always hard to sense people around him."  
Renji's already impossibly large grin grew wider.byakuya whacked the readhead's forehead with the hild of his knife.  
"Get back to work."  
Renji walked off, rubbing his forehead and swearing, but still grinning.  
_That's it_, Byakuya thought, chopping the cabbage with a little more force than what was needed. _The SWA has gone too far._

END

* * *

Whoo! First chapter, 277 words! yes, I am mean to Byakuya. But he deserves it. He's such a prick. XD just you wait. It'll get worse.  
-Nanashi


	2. Seireitei Idol: Conception

The Shinigami Women's Association

2: Seireitei Idol: Conception

Disclaimer: this segment had been stolen by Yachiru. Please don't sue me

* * *

"Oy, look at this!"Matsumoto cried happily, pulling out a box with a button.  
"Waii! Big Booby has such awesome stuff!" Yachiru cried, reaching for it.  
"No, Yachiru-san," Nemu said quietly, "that's a recorder Mayuri-sama made for her trip to the human world."  
"Pasty-Clown-chan made somethin for someone...?" Yachiru wondered, her finger on her chin and sucha aserious expression that a man outside he building suffered a cuteness-related anyeurism.  
"Anyway," Matsumoto said, setting the button on the table, "the american humans have this show called American Idol." She pressed the button and a screen popped up on the nearest wall and the intro to American Idol started playing.

ONE HOUR LATER+

"That was awesome!" Isane squealed, clapping her hands.  
"We should do something like that!" Yachiru proclaimed seriously, causing a man examining the first to suffer an anyeurism.  
For once, everyone agreed immediately, which meant doom for them all.The next hour and a half was spent writing letters, picking songs and recording them for the male taichou, fukutaichou, and officers and addressing letters.

THE NEXT DAY+

Kuchiki Byakuya sat up out of bed and reached for his hairbrush on the table and picked up an envelope instead. He opened it, pulled out a letter and a black box with a button on it. He read the letter and his eye twitched. He vaguely felt Komamura's reitsu surge and barely heard his howl/scream of rage.  
_It can't be that bad_, Byakuya thought, and pressed the shiny blue button and immediately threw the unholy device at the wall, shattering it. He went about his day, unaware that another button was waiting on his bedside table.

END

* * *

oo wow. another 277 word chapter. I hope this doesn't continue.

Eeenyhoo, I blame this on American Idol. I just had to. Especially considering Byakuya's song. But that's later.  
-Nanashi


	3. Computer Virus

The Shinigami Women's Association

3: Computer Virus

Disclaimer: I had gotten this back from Yachiru, but Ikkaku stole it to buff his head with. Again, don't sue me

* * *

There was little Kurotsuchi Mayuri to be happy for other than sitting in his plush computer chair in the semi-darkness, letting his brain become radioactive due to pixel radiation, and type away happily. But suddenly...

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

"Shit, what the hell?!" Mayuri sat straight in his chair, typing frantically. Suddenly, a chibi Rangiku appeared, shaking her finger at him with chanting in the background.

LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL...

Mayuri's eye twitched.

INSIDE THE 11TH DIVISION COMPOUND DURING SUICIDE DRILLS+

"_GYAAAARGHH!!_"  
Zaraki Kenpachi looked up from glaring at the mass of wheezing bodies and looked toward he 12th division compound, from which many screams and gurgles of rage were eminating.  
"What the hell...?"

1ST DIVISION HEADQUARTERS+

Yamamoto Genryuusai-soutaichou rubbed his beard thoughtfully after he read Mayuri's hastily-written and heavily-worded missive about the SWA going to far in their attempts to minimize eye problems within Seireitei and to tell Unohana to prepare some beds in the intensive care unit. Yamamoto had immediately taken steps to minimize carnage, but not to stop the enraged 12th division taichou due to the old man's irritation at having his office drowned in doilies and curtains.

END

* * *

Yay, 199 words!  
Eeenyhoo, this was just a little idea about what would happen if there was a computer virus in Seireitei, but Mayuri's the only one with a computer, so...yes, the 12th division abomination is another one of my targets.  
-Nanashi


	4. Watermelons

The Shinigami Women's Association

4: Watermelons

Disclaimer: Tetsuzaemon was kind enough to get this back from Ikkaku. I do not own bleach!

* * *

"Hitsugaya-taichou!"  
Toushirou looked up from his paper work and facefaulted.  
Matsumoto Rangiku was standing in front of with a giant watermelon with a straw sticking out of it.  
It took every ounce of self control he could muster to not go wide-eyed and grin.  
"Happy birthday, taichou!"  
"Matsumoto..."  
The paperwork was swept off his desk and the watermelon was set down with a thunk. He looked suspiciously at the straw sticking out of it. "Matsumoto..."  
"Drink out of the straw, taichou. It's a way to eat watermelon without getting all sticky!"  
_But that's half the fun_, Toushirou thought to himself and sipped on the straw. Five second pause.  
"It tastes funny."  
"Nonsense, it's my specialy!" 

20 MINUTES LATER+

"Y'know, Rangiku," Toushirou slurred, his eyes unfocused, "I on'y prten' to like da shtuff I like. I would much radder be out runnin' 'roun' and..."  
Matsumoto giggled inwardly and continued recording with her button._ I knew the party watermelon was a good idea after all, _she thought, thinking of the two bottles of alcohol it had taken to fill the melon.

END

* * *

Whoo! Fourth chapter, 185 words. Yay! The next chapter is going to be killer. XD it's so wrong, but so awesome...I've wanted to do it for such a long time...  
-Nanashi 


	5. Seireitei Idol: Byakuyabadee dabadai

The Shinigami Women's Association

5: Seireitei Idol: Byakuya-ba-dee da-ba-dai

Disclaimer: Simon has stolen this segment because I failed to say "American Idol" in chapter two's. ;-;

* * *

The crown doutside murmurs throught the curtains as Byakuya fidgeted with his glove. this was ridiculous, and he felt it. He gave one last silent curse to the SWA as the curtains lifted. 

"_Yo, listen up, here's a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world..._"

One Zaraki Kenpachi, who was standing near one Kurotsuchi Mayuri (who was operating the background generator computer), had a sudden idea. He ran to Mayuri and tried to convince the "man" to go along with it. WHen Mayuri refused, Zaraki ripped the smaller taichou--chair and all--out of the way in irritation and started typing away rapidly. The lyrics started appearing on the background.

"_I'm blue, da ba dee da ba dai, da ba dee da ba dai..._"

But...soon enough...

"_I'm blue, I'm in need of a guy, I'm in need of a guy..._"

The crowd, already giggling at Byakuya making a complete and utter fool of himself, started cracking up.Byakuya looked back just in time for the lyrics to change back, and he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. He glanced over at the side of the stage to see an innocent-looking Zaraki Kenpachi waving at him, Mayuri trapped under his overstuffed chair. Byakuya turned just in time to see "I'm in need of a guy," growled, abandoned his microphone, drew Senbonzakura, and charged across the stage. The captain chased a grinning Zaraki Kenpachi around the stage, swearing and brandishing his zanpakuto.

()()()()()()()()()(THAT NIGHT, AT THE SWA MEETING)()()()()()()()()()()

"That show was a disaster," Nanao stated, pushing her glasses up her nose."It was a failure," Isane and Matsumoto wailed, slumping down.  
"However," Nanao continued, "there has been a request for an encore performance."  
10 second pause.  
"Yay!" Yachiru cried, jumping onto Nanao's head. "Shinglehead was a success! Doggy-chan's next!"

END

* * *

Well, 304 words. The next one's real short, sorry. But it raises a valid question. :3  
-Nanashi 


	6. Keyboarding

The Shinigami Women's Association

6: Keyboarding

Disclaimer: Zaraki-taichou accidentally killed Simon and rather thoughtfully recovered this section for me. I do not own bleach or American idol. (happy, Simon?)

* * *

Zaraki Kenpachi was in a thoughtful mood. It was an odd mood for him, considering the amount of brain cells he had left. But it scared the hell out of his subordinates, so it wasn't all bad. Last week had been the first installment of Seireitei Idol, and the stunt he pulled had raised a lot of questions. Well, only one. Two, actually, but we won't go into the other. The question everyone had been asking is, "Where did Zaraki-taichou learn to type?"  
The more he thought about it, the more his head hurt. The more his head hurt, the more pissed he got. The more pissed he got...well, he finally decided it was Clown-bastard's fault and he took out his frustration on a couple of innocent 12th division newbies.

-----MeanwhilE-----

"So, the next item on the agenda is where Zaraki-taichou learned his superior keyboarding skills," Nanao announced, pushing her glasses up to the level where they reflected the light perfectly.  
Nemu silently pulled an empty syringe out of her side pack. Three second pause.  
"The next item on the agenda..."

END

* * *

183 words this time. No, Simon really isn't dead. I can't believe people actually think he knows nothing about music. If he didn't, he wouldn't be a judge on American Idol. Morons. Use that gray gooey mass you call a brain. Next chapter is kinda long, but awesome. I suggest Kuchiki Byakuya fans skip that chapter.  
-Nanashi 


	7. His Holy Shingleness

The Shinigami Women's Association

7: His Holy Shingleness

Disclaimer: i do not own bleach...duh...If i did, I would know why Byakuya has shingles in his hair. -ducks sword swipe and runs away-

* * *

"So, what's up with Byakuya's hair?"The question had been raised many times during SWA meetings, but never fully answered. So Soi Fon was finally dispatched to the 6th division to find out about Byakuya's headwear. Luckily, she found Renji, Tetsuzaemon, her own fukutaichou, Ichigo, and Ikkaku sitting under a tree talking about the same subject, so she took it upon herself to eavesdrop from the tree.  
"Oy, Renji," Ichigo said, "what's up with Byakuya's hair?"  
"I've wondered about that myself," Tetsuzaemon said.  
"I'm not entirely sure, but as near as I can tell, they're shingles."

-10 second pause for effect-

Everyone starts cracking up.  
"Shingles?" Ikkaku laughed. "From where?"  
"I'm not entirely sure.  
"It makes no sense," Oomaeda said, snacking.  
"Neither does his scarf," Ichigo pointed out.  
"What about his zanpakuto?"  
At this point, Ikkaku gets up and picks up a stick. He holds it aloft and strikes a dramatic pose. "Scatter, Senbonzakura!" He threw the stick into the tree, nearly hitting Soi Fon. "Fly, pink petals of death!"  
One again, everyone starts cracking up. Soi Fon facepalmed and left.  
"I'll bet he stole them off of Yachiru's dollhouse!"  
"...Stole what?"

Full-body twitch.

"Ah, t-taichou!"  
"We were just going!"  
"See ya later, Byakuya!"

Kuchiki Byakuya was left by himself. His hand went involuntarily to his hair. "Do they really look like shingles...?"

END

* * *

Hmm...I can't remember how many words...278, i think...no...ah, who cares.  
I blame this initially on Kai. She was the first one I know of to call Byakuya Shingle-head. (Kai: Well, they _do_ look like shingles...) Secondly, I blame this on Tim, because he was cracking jokes about it all during US History. Lastly, I blame myself, but not so much. Most of the blame falls on the other two.  
-Nanashi 


	8. The Muffin Zanpakuto

The Shinigami Women's Association

8: The Muffin Zanpakuto

Disclaimer: This segment was eaten by Chojiro because it was mistakenly baked into a muffin. My deepest apologies to Yama-jii for putting his fukutaichou out of commission. -bow- please don't sue me.

* * *

The hollow rose on front of Zaraki Kenpachi, howling in unholy fury.  
"Che, this is troublesome," he says, pulling out his zanpakuto. It changed into a giant muffin-on-a-stick and the over sized shinigami lunges himself at the hollow.

Zaraki Kenpachi sat bolt upright, sweating and shaking. He ran a hand nervously through his hair and he looked around his bedroom. He glanced at his zanpakuto, leaning up against the wall.  
"Oh, good...just a dream...I hope to god you don't have such an embarrassing ability."  
And with that, he went back to sleep.

Nemu waited until the captain was asleep before acting.

-the next morning-

Zaraki Kenpachi sat up and stretched, having forgotten about the nightmare completely. He glanced at his zanpakuto, however, and facefaulted. His eye twitched.

"_GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!!_"

A giant muffin-on-a-stick broke through the window and hurtled through the air. A small smile crept over Nemu's face.  
"Mission accomplished."

END

* * *

154 words! Yay!  
I'm not quite sure who to blame this on...oh, wait, it's Tim's fault again. "The power of Muffin!!" XP I shall never look at a blueberry muffin the same again.  
-Nanashi 


	9. Seireitei Idol: Hiding Like the Wolf

The Shinigami Women's Association

9: Seireitei Idol: Hiding Like the Wolf

Disclaimer: THis segment was stolen by Komamura to aid in his excavation project. please don't sue me.

* * *

Once again the sound of the crowd could be heard through the curtains. Hisagi Shuuhei was looking thoughtfully at the stage. The intro to "Hungry like the Wolf" started playing and the curtains opened. 

The stage was empty.

-meanwhile-

Komamura Sajin peeked his head out of a hole he had dug under a tree to hide in. He was, for once, glad to be himself, and ducked back into his hole.

that night...

"The show was a disaster," Nanao said."It was expected Komamura-taichou wouldn't show up."  
"But we picked such a good song for Fuzzy-taichou..." Yachiru whined.  
There was a knock at the door and Iba Tetsuzaemon entered. He, for once, delivered a letter in complete silence and left. Nanao took the letter and read it and paled.  
"K-Komamura-t-taichou whishes to b-be ex-excluded from future SWA activities." She put the letter down, sighed, and fainted.  
"It can't be that bad," Soi Fon scoffed, picking up the letter while Isane went to tend to Nanao and Matsumoto restrained Yachiru. She read the letter, and also paled. "I don't think I've ever seen 'death' written so many times..."  
The subject was dropped and never brought up again.

END

* * *

201 words this time. I really can't imagine Komamura singing, can you?  
-Nanashi 


	10. Jacket Liners

The Shinigami Women's Assocition

10: Jacket Liners

Disclaimer: This part has been retrieved, thankfully. I do not own Bleach.

A/N: I'm using english numbers here. I couldn't have done the 'ones column' thing with japanese numbers.

* * *

"The next item on the agenda is a question from the captains reguarding jacket liners," Nanao read, slightly confused. 

"Oh." Soi Fon facepalmed as Nanao took out a button.

The recording is as follows.

**Yamamoto:** _Is that thing on?_  
**Mayuri:** _Yes._  
**Komamura:** _Why are we doing this again?_  
**Toushirou:** _Because the old men are being infantile_.  
**Kyouraku:** _Eeenyhoo, we, the captains of the Gotei-13, were wondering why Kenpachi and Yama-jii have the same color jacket liner._  
**Mayuri**: _Hey, that's right...why is that?_  
**Soi Fon**: _And here I thought you were perceptive._  
**Mayuri:** Nandato? _Try saying that again!_  
**Jyuushiro**: _Children, hush._  
**Zaraki**: _It's just a goddamn coat._  
**Yamamoto**: _He's right. Now let's move on to something important_.  
**Kyouraku**: _It must be because they both have a one in their division!_  
**Zaraki:** _What about Whitey?_  
**Toushirou**: _Hitsugaya._  
**Jyuushiro**: _It may be the one...but it's true that Toushirou has a one, too..._  
**Toushirou:** _My name is_ Hitsugaya!  
**Yamamoto**: _This is a mundane and useless subject! Let's move on!_  
**Unohana**: _How did this come up, anyway...?_  
**Jyuushiro**: _They're opposites of each other, though._  
**Zaraki:** _Che._ Urusai.  
**Kyouraku**: _Is that all you have to say?_  
**Zaraki**: _Yeah. Let's hurry this up. I need to run through some drills soon._  
**Unohana**: _Please be sure not to injure too many, Zaraki-san. We _do _have better things to do, you know._  
**Yamamoto**: _Can we _PLEASE_ move on?_  
**Mayuri:** _I quite agree. My thumb's getting sore, and this conversation has gone from dumb to dumber._  
**Kyouraku:** _We still haven't gotten a straight answer as to why A) Yama-jii and Kenpachi have the same liner and B) why Toushirou doesn't have the same liner._  
**Toushirou:** _My name is _HITSUGAYA_, damnit! Quit referring to me as if I'm a kid!!_  
**Mayuri**: _It's because they both have the same digit in the ones place, morons!_

_-murmurs of agreement._

_-10 second pause-_

**Jyuushiro**: _So what about Mayuri and Soi Fon?_**  
Soi Fon**: _I will have nothing to do with that abomination._

_-crackle...hisssssssssssssssssssssssclick!_-

"..." Isane stared at the button. "Well...now that we know what our beloved taichou do with their spare time..."  
Soi Fon glared at the button.  
"What a stupid conversation."

* * *

I have decided to stop counting the words. It doesn't matter. Thank you to the two people who have reviewed. I hope to have more, but it seems that all the bleach fans are interested in are romance, drama, and angst. -- the world is a fucked up place.  
-Nanashi 


	11. Fast Food

The Shinigami Women's Association

11: Fast Food

Disclaimer: Sorry, this part was taken by Mayuri as a catylist for his fast food.

Yay, more reviews! Four people have now reviewed...i am pleased...  
Rainpelt: There isn't much to say.  
melisade: I have chapters 1-15 already written, and more to come...- I write them in school. -such a naughty girl...- And yes, Seireitei Idol will most definantly be continued... maybe a sneak peek is in store...maybe next chapter. owo depends on the reviews i get! -hinthintnudgenudgecoughcough-

* * *

Once again, Matsumoto returned from the human world with an odd item. THis time, it was a spongy, layered substance she called a 'cheeseburger'.  
"They fry the meat-like patty, put a cheese-like substance on it, and pack it in a bread-like bun! Humans are ingenious, aren't they?" she bubbled excitedly.  
Nemu eyed the substance, and had a sudden idea. (machine: Ping! me: Hey, who put the machine that goe Ping! in here? it's needed in the delivery room, pronto!)  
"How would you like to have that any time?"  
Pause, in which Matsumoto dropped the burger.  
"I could convince Mayuri-sama that it would be worth his time," Nemu continued, pucking up theburger.  
Matsumoto squealed and hugged Nemu, who was being suffocated under the other girl's enormous assets. 

-later that week-

"...Burger-taichou? What the hell kind of name is that?" Zaraki scoffed, pretending to be disinterested. "No fuckin' way am I going to call something that."  
Matsumoto appeared at the captain's elbow and started tugging on his arm. "Come on, Zaraki-taichou! Come try it!"  
"Ehhh..."

-one week later-

Mayuri sat comfortably in his new enormous, microfiber beanbag chair, gloating over his profits stacked on a large table in front of him.  
"I...am a genius. It's not my fault, though, that people keep getting turned into octopi, toads and cactus."

END

* * *

I just had to. Fast food in Soul Society? And what else WOULD it be called?  
-Nanashi 


	12. Ponytail

The Shinigami Women's Association

12: Ponytail

Disclaimer: this segment was so covered in grime from Mayuri's expirements that Hanatarou took it to get it cleaned off. -.- i can't believe I have to pay for it, too.

Viashino: Yes, I like Komamura, too. He doesn't get enough screen time, though...I freaked out when that Aizen bastard hit him with kuroihitsugi.

izzy: You get a cookie for getting where that reference came from! Yes, there is too much wangst. It's bloody annoying, so that's kinda why I did this

* * *

Renji sat at a desk in a semi-dark room, nodding off over his paperwork. The remaining candle sputtered frantically, trying not to drown in the growing pool of molten wax. The instant the flame went out, Renji's head hit the desk and snores eminated from the dark. 

-the next day-

"Abarai. Wake up."  
Renji started and sat up, the paper he was writing on stuck to his face due to both drooling and ink. He peeled the paper off, the most previous sentences printed on his face. He stared at his captain and quickly turned his laughing into deep-lung coughing.  
"What?"  
"What happened to your hair?"  
Byakuya's hand went to his hair, and a self-concious expression crept over his face. "You don't like it?"  
"Well, it's just..." Renji's voice cracked from holding back his laughter. "It's just different."  
Byakuya glared at him and swept out of the room, his ponytail making a dramatic flourish behind him.

END

* * *

Well, i just had to continue shingle-taichou's hair dillemma.XD  
And since i didn't get enough reviews, you have to wait to see what the snext Seireitei Idol is.  
-Nanashi 


	13. Jubilee Ball

The Shinigami Women's Association

13: Jubilee Ball

Disclaimer: Yay, I got this back! I do not own bleach!

Yay, two updates in one day! I pwn, biotches! XD lol

* * *

"I have an idea!" Isane exclaimed, standing up. "How about a ball?"  
"Oooh! Will it be rubber? And pink?"  
"No, Yachiru-chan. Not a toy ball, a dance."  
"Ooooooooh."  
"I think it's a terrible idea," Soi Fon said shortly. (Me: lol, 'shortly'. rofl! -gets whacked by both Kai and Soi Fon for short jokes- owie.)  
"You think so...?" Isane muttered thoughtfully. 

-In Kotetsu Isane's mind...-

The music played, and people danced happily across the dance floor. Then, enter the 11th division.

-(Technical difficulties)-

Isane shuddered. Sure, the guy she liked was in that division, but the entirety ofthe 11th division was uncultured and animalistic. And the captain...  
Matsumoto placed a hand on Isane's shoulder. "We could not invite them..."  
No, Yumichika would be devastated to miss an opportunity to show off, and they'd all find out and show up anyway," Nanao said, scratching the idea off the list.  
The subject was never brought up again.

END

* * *

-tries in vain to imagine Zaraki Kenpachi dancing- My head hurts...  
Dangit...My teacher moved me, and I hate this keyboard...it's so stiff...but i can listen to Dr. Steel again! Happy day!  
-Nanashi


	14. Sasakibe Chojiro

The Shinigami Women's Association

14: Sasakibe Chojiro

Disclaimer: This segment was destroyed in Chojiro's drunken swath of destruction.- sorry.

I Hate how the thing doesn't keep the asterisk, underscore, squigley line and brackets. I use those things all the friggin time. AND I HATE THIS KEYBOARD!! -grrgrrgrr-

Three updates in one day! Yay! And the next chapter is the next installment of Idol!

* * *

The 1st division fukutaichou was always something of an enigma, especially for the SWA. He was tall, white-haired, yellow-eyed and terribly formal. The only SWA members who could ever remember him calling his zanpakuto were Isane and Soi Fon. Hell, they didn't even know his name until recently. They all just called him by Yachiru's nickname, Stuffy-chan. As a matter of fact, the only reason why they were discussing him at all was because of his actions the previous week. Tetsuzaemon had somehow gotten him loaded and the ensuing drunken craziness spanned across across the Gotei-13 and part of the Rukongai. No one's really sure who he is, because no one's really ever heard him say much, so...he doesn't come up very often, unless he is accompanied by a drunk Tetsuzaemon and in the same condition with a lampshade on his head, stripped to his underwear, rampaging around Soul Society.  
Where he got the lampshade, we may never know.

END

* * *

Well, it's short, and kinda dumb...but not everyone knows his name, so I thought I maight as well do a chapter on him Besides, he has cool eyes... -drool-  
-Nanashi 


	15. Seireitei Idol: Kenpachi on the Storm

The Shinigami Women's Association

15: Seireitei Idol: Zaraki Kenpachi on the Storm

Disclaimer: I own neither Bleach nor American Idol (Happy, Simon? I remembered this time! Ha! And I used it before Zaraki-taichou could use it to kill Mayuri. -)

This one's kinda long...but i didn't want to put the aftermath as another chapter. And yes, I am making fun of ZarakixUnohana. XP it's ridiculous.

* * *

The mutterings through the curtains voiced irritation at the last Idol concert, but how eveyone showed up to give the SWA a second chance, and because otherwise the usual shihakusho would be replaced with a pink one. The curtains opened as a thunderclap sounded, and the intro to "Riders on the Storm" played. One Zaraki Kenpachi was revealed, and started singing, his deep voice going along perfectly with the song, but not that any of the shinigami would know that.  
"_Riders on the storm. Riders on the storm. Into this house we're born, into this world we're thrown. Like a dog without a bone, and actor out on loan, riders on the storm._"  
The shinigami present noticed the background, which depicted a sitck-fugure (and incredibly cute) Zaraki frolicking through a field of flowers. Zaraki noticed almost immediately and glared at Mayuri. The next lines he accentuated as a threat.  
"_There's a killer on the road. His brain is squirming like a toad. Take a long holiday, let your children play. If you give this man a ride, sweet memory will die, killer on the road._"  
Mayuri's computer-generated stick-Zaraki started dancing with a stick figure Unohana.  
Zaraki's face went dead pan as he threw the microphone over his shoulder.

-5 seconds later-

The music scratched out and Mayuri flew over the audience. The backgroud flickered and died. Just in time, too, concidering the next stage of the Kenpachi-Unohana relationship.

-that night-

"Well, taichou is embarrassed beyond all belief and is taking it out on Mayuri-taichou by putting him through unneccissary and extremely painful tests," Isane reported, looking slightly harrassed and very tired. "Zaraki-taichou is locked in his office, and the area around has been evacuated due to his unpredictable reiatsu..."  
"Unpredictable? It's always on too much or way too much,"Matsumoto pointed out.  
"Even more so than usual. Zaraki is in his 'towering rage,' which is his equivalent of our 'unholy fury.' He has an extremely loose control on his reiatu at the moment. Sometime's it'll almost dissapear, and then come back so suddenly and so strong that several passing shinigami were pressed into the road with so much force that it made craters." She shuddered.  
"Aw, Ken-chan's just embarrassed," Yachiru said flippantly, the only one not bothered about the fluxuating reiatsu dripping with bloodlust. "He'll get over it."  
"In any case, we have evacuated the 12th division compound to avoid hate crimes from the 11th division."  
"We should evecuate the entirety of Seireitei," Soi Fon suggested. "He's lost face in front of everybody. He'll probably go on a rampage."  
"Oh, yes...his infamous, as-of-yet-unseen unholy rage," Nanao muttered, exhausted.  
"We may be able to sedate him if worse comes to worse," Isane said, half asleep.  
"Yeah, with dragon tranquilizer," Matsumoto said, leaning back in her chair.  
"..."  
"Let's evacuate," Isane agreed.  
"I'll go see Yamamoto-soutaichou," Soi Fon said and shunpo'd.  
"Well, no sleepin' tonight," Matsumoto said.  
Then all of their heads hit the desk and fell asleep.

END

* * *

Never try to type out lyrics to a slow song like Riders on the Storm while listening to Dr. Steel's rendition of Inspector Gadget. it messes you up. baaaaad.  
-Nanashi 


	16. Matsumoto the Neenjah

The Shinigami Women's Association

16: Matsumoto the Neenjah

Disclaimer: THis part was used by Matsumoto in her most recent work-related escape. - sorry.

What number update is this today? Five? I dunno...but i pwn!

* * *

Matsumoto Rangiku's work ethic is well-known throughout Seireitei. And that infamousy arose from stunts, such as one memorable occasion from her academy days.

-Quite a few years ago...-

"Okay," the teacher called, "your reports are due today. Please come up and turn them in."  
People started getting up and going to the desk. When it came to Matsumoto's turn, she went up with a cute grin.  
"Let me guess...you don't have it?"  
"Well..."  
"-sigh- This is your third unturned-in assignment. I'm going to have to give you detentio--"  
"_SUPER NINJA CHALK CLOUD NO JUTSU!!!_" Matsumoto grabbed a pair of erasers and clapped them together, creating a choking cloud of dust. When it settled, she had disappeared.  
Twitch.  
"_MATSUMOTOOOOO!!!!_"

END

* * *

Yeah, it's short, but I had to make up for the long one. I need ideas for more...I have pretty much all the Idol ones planned out, but if you have any requests...just the name and the song. and I need other ideas, too...any input will be read and considered!!!  
-Nanashi


	17. Tall Tails

The Shinigami Women's Association

17: Tall Tails

Disclaimer: This segment was used to remove Yachiru. It is currently being disenfected so people allergic to dogs won't have a reaction when I put it back up.

Viashino, here's your Yachiru-Komamura chapter. And Random, I'll put up the Renji Idol next.

* * *

"Komamura Sajin, what do you have to report?"  
"Nothing worth mentioning. Everything in the 7th division has been-YIPE!!"  
An unnaturally high yelp came from the captain as he stiffened and his hair bristled.  
"What is it, Komamura-san?"  
His ears flattened and his mouth twitched as he whined slightly.  
"Komamura-san?"  
His voice cracked. "Zara-cough-Zaraki-san, this is very embarrasing, but could you please remove your vice-captain from my pants? It is very unnerving, unpleasant, and her weight is ripping out my tail."

END

* * *

I had a different idea for this, but i liked this much better. I could still use ideas, because my brain is currently not capable of making its own. And I won't be updating as much because I ran into the deep poo-poo bird. -.-;  
-Nanashi 


	18. Seireitei Idol: Bucketsama

The Shinigami Women's Association

18: Seireitei Idol: Bucket-sama

Disclaimer: I do not own bleach or American Idol

I am about to be murdered for this. I blame this completely and entirely on Aaron. If you want to go kill someone, go kill him. Renji fans are suggested to skip this chapter.

The murmuring through the curtains once again came, and Renji was silently cursing the SWA. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He glared at the curtains, and growed slightly. He glanced at the bucket on the floor and had a sudden idea.

The curtains opened and revealed a shinigami stripped to the waist with a large white bucket on his head.

"_I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gaaayyy…and I pity girl who isn't me today._"

The song switched to a more heavy metalrendition of the game with a funky dance to go along with it. ((Me: For those who play Guild Wars, the male Necro dance.)) By the end of the song, everyone in the crowd was chanting "All hail Bucket-sama!!"

-that night-

"Well, we have had our first complete song," Nanao said, grinning.  
"Yeah, and too bad for Abarai-kun he has those tattoos, 'cause he'll be called bucket-sama for a long time," Matsumoto grinned.  
"Not very many people outside of the 6th division know about those," Isane said, filing her nails. "He isn't in much danger."  
"Yeah, well, it won't take long for people to realize it was him,"Matsumoto said, still grinning.

-later that week-

Renji was walking along the road, humming slightly to himself. Unfortunately, the bucket had had some sort of grime in it, and it had taken several hours of labor to get all of it out of his hair. But, now it was all soft and shiny, so he didn't mind so much. He notticed a group of female shinigami over in the shadow of a wall (it was a hot day) and blinked when they abandoned their cool retreat to bar his path. He stopped a few meters away from them, assessing the situation.  
"Ano," One of the girls said, being pushed forward by her companions, holding some paper and a pen, "would you sign these for us, Bucket-sama?"

END

* * *

Okay, that wasn't all that funny, but I couldn't think of anything else, and I got the idea for 'Bucket-sama' from a picture...can't remember where I found it...I think on gaia...  
And i HATE this keyboard! The keys whon't go down properly! The space bar, especially. Oh, and I could still use ideas.  
-Nanashi 


	19. Apocalypse

The Shinigami Women's Association

19: Apocalypse

Disclaimer: Unohana-taichou borrowed this to treat Zaraki-taichou.

I know, I know, long time coming. It've been grounded and rather lazy.

* * *

It was 12:43. Zaraki-taichou was still not out of his room. Yumichika glanced at the clock. He looked at the group of men, now loitering around the drill area. He fought to maintain his composure in the midday sun. He was getting increasingly irritated, and he often brushed his hair away from his face. He finally stalked off, the hem of his shihakusho fluttering behind.  
Yumichika knocked on his captain's door. "Taichou..._Taichou_, are you awake?"  
A faint rustling sound came from the room, followed by a faint growl.  
"Well, awake or not, I'm coming in." Yumichika pushed the shoji open.  
There was a large, sheet-covered mass in the relative darkness underneath the unshuttered window, which was streaming light.  
"Taichou, the men have been waiting for a while now for drills."  
"Che. Later."  
"...What?"  
"Didn't you hear me? Later. My head feels stuffy."  
"Taichou...?"  
"Bleh...go get me something to drink."  
"H-hai, taichou..."  
Yumichika left, slightly worried. A hacking cough came from the bedroom, and he made up his mind.

-4th Division HQ-

"Unohana-taichouuu!"  
"Hm?" She looked up and blinked with suprise when she saw Yumichika running towards her. "What is it, Ayasekawa-chan?"  
"I need your help, Unohana-taichou!" He explained, a worried expression on his face and his arms flapping about. "Zaraki-taichou's sick!"  
"...Sick?" Zaraki Kenpachi was the absolute last person she could think of getting sick. "Zaraki-san, sick? It must be the apocalypse."  
"He hasn't gotten out of bed yet."  
"Okay, I'll be right over."

-20 minutes later, 11th Division HQ-

"Za-ra-ki-tai-cho-u..." Yumichika sang as he carefully opened the shoji and shut it quickly as a roar and a pillow came at him. It bounced off tha wood and he opened it again.  
"Goddamnit, I told you to get me something to drink _a half-a-fucking-hour ago!!_" the outburst was followed by a coughing fit.  
Unohana pushed the shoji open a bit more and stepped inside.  
"Holy---!" Zaraki's eyes went wide. "Wh-what the shit? Yumi, you fucking traitor-!"  
Unohana closed the door.

-Outside, in the drill area-

"Oy, where's Zaraki-taichou?" MakiMaki asked, wondering when and if they could leave.  
"I don't know---"  
"No! No, don't you _dare_, you--GYAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!"  
All the men look towards HQ. 10 second pause.  
"Who wants to go play poker?"  
The group left, jabbering, ignoring the screams of their captain.

-That night-

"Well, for once, taichou was able to successfully treat Zaraki-taichou," Isane said, resting her cheek on her hand.  
"Yeah, Ken-chan's sick!" Yachiru chirped, still licking an enormous lollipop Unohana had given her earlier.  
Silence. Somewhere, outside, a cricket chirps.  
"Zaraki...Kenpachi..got sick?" Matsumoto asked, shocked.  
Everyone looked at eachother.  
Soi Fon stood up. "I'll increase security."  
Everyone left rather quickly after that.

END

* * *

I was sick for a while with the flu, or something, and it felt like my head was stuffed with cotton. I just thought it would be interesting if Zaraki got sick. I imagine he would be kinda like my friend CJ...he never gets sick, but when he does, it's the end of the world.  
-Nanashi 


	20. Identification Crisis

The Shinigami Women's Association

20: Identification Crisis

Disclaimer: This part was stolen by Mayuri to see if it could be used for a torture juice catalyst. ;A; my poor disclaimer is so abused...

* * *

The SWA had been debating over one topic for a while now: ID cards. There was an ID card building in Seireitei, but ID's were voluntary. Until now. For some odd reason, the SWA had made ID cards mandatory. So thus we find ourselves in our pickle. (Me: Yummm... :P) There was an impressively long line outside said building, and a sign was posted on the door. The sign was weatherbeaten and permanently affixed.

_Identification Bureau  
12th Division_

_Gone Fishing_

Mayuri stared at the offending statement. His eye twitched. His fists clenched and relaxed. His eye twitched again.  
"_GODDAMNIT!!_"

end

* * *

My friend Tim gave me the inspiration for this. He needed to get a new ID, but the ID people had a late call-in. (meaning, they got there at 12 rather than 7.)  
-Nanashi 


	21. The Calm Before the Storm

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 21

The Calm Before the Storm

* * *

Okay, I know I've been really...abandonish...to this fanfic, but I've decided to pick it back up! I quit around episode 113, maybe 114. (I forget which one I'm on...114, i think...) But, I've decided to start this back up to once again add that little spark of life in this angsty-romance world known as the Bleach Fanfic Section. And kudos if you know the reference.

* * *

Zaraki looked around the corner fearfully. He was pressed flat against the wall, looking for ways to be avoided. However, that was rather hard when you were near 200cm tall and had outrageous spirit energy pouring out of you. He bit his lip trying to hold it back and tip-toed across the road.  
"Zaraki-taichou!!"  
Twitch.  
He turned to see Yumichika running towards him and relaxed. The other shinigami tripped slightly as Zaraki's spirit pressure came crashing down.  
"Z-zaraki-taichou, You're needed over at HQ immediately!"  
Zaraki blinked and then leveled a blank--and slightly ominous--stare at him. "_Which_ HQ?"  
"Yamamoto-soutaichou wants to see you. I don't know why." He stopped for a moment and sized Zaraki up. "What were you doing? It was kind of hard to find you, suprisingly enough. Who are you hiding from?"  
Zaraki twitched again. "No one."  
Yumichika sent out a smirk and skipped off, humming to himself as if he knew a dirty secret. Zaraki made a mental note to have suicide drills and to put bird-boy on double secret probation. 

---At Yamamoto-soutaichou's---

Zaraki strode into the Soutaichou's office, having quite forgotten about who he was hiding from and his mental note. The old man looked up from his paperwork.  
"Ah! Zaraki, just the man I wanted to see."  
"Whaddyawant, ossan?"  
Yamamoto looked over that. "I have an urget report here that concerns you."  
"Oh? Well, whatever it is, can you get on with it? It's about Yachiru's naptime, and she gets funky when she doesn't get a nap." He began to get a bad feeling in his gut.  
"Well, this report is somewhat unsettling. Is it true, Zaraki, that you have not been to a medical checkup in over three years?"  
_Damnit. I KNEW that something bad was going to happen...Oh yeah! HE was the one I was hiding from! Gar, note to self: Kill and/or maim Yumichika._  
"Yeah, ossan. What of it?"  
"Zaraki, I know you're frustrated, just _stop calling me that!!_ It makes me feel older than I actually am. Anyway, Retsu wants to see you ASAP in the 4th Division HQ."  
"HQ? Don't you mean the hospital?"  
"No, in HQ," Yamamoto said somewhat exasperatedly. "She's going to give you a private checkup to make up for all the missed ones."  
Once again, Zaraki twitched.

* * *

Ooookay. Now, then hopefully I will be able to keep going with this. And yes, this will have something to do with the SWA. dodges an object thrown by Mayuri Dagnabit, I said I was sorry!  
Mayuri: No, you didn't! chucks another object  
Me: Damnit, quit throwing your abominations at me! I'm sorry!!  
Mayuri: that's better. 


	22. The Storm

Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 22: The Storm

* * *

Yeah, I'm sorry about the long wait...but my internet is back up at home! Yay! Now I'm mad about being back caught up with Bleach...I want to see to the end of Ichigo's fight with Zangetsu! Gar! And apparently Ichigo's Zaraki shows up as well. This is a continuation of the checkup that everyone wants.

* * *

Zaraki shuffled across the courtyard to the Yonban tai HQ. He was slouched over, his hands stuffed in his pockets, grumbling to himself.  
_This is so unfair_ he thought to himself, kicking at a weed that had bravely stuck its head through the stone. The yellow dandylion head flung over the building.  
_Damn this. I'm perfectly healthy. I don't need fucking check-ups! I have better things to do...  
_He walked into the building and looked around. Empty. Then Unohana stepped around the corner and the doors slammed shut behind Zaraki, and a loud click sounded. Soi Fon looked through the window, grinned and waved, then left. Zaraki's eye twitched.  
_Note to self: Kill Shorty._  
Unohana stepped forward towards Zaraki and put out a hand.  
"Carriage of thunder. Bridge of a spinning wheel. With light, divide this into six. _Rikujokoro._"  
"SHit!" Zaraki attempted to jump back, but failed as the six rods hit his midsection, paralyzing him. "You bitch!"  
Unohana smiled and pulled out a large syringe with a five-inch needle. Zaraki paled slightly.

----Outside----

Matsumoto was humming to herself as she walked along, having successfully avoided another day's work. She skipped a bit on every other step and stretched, then caught her shihakushou as it threatened to slip and spill its contents. She walked by the 4th tai HQ just as a long, gurgling, agonizing scream eminated from it, which was quickly cut off. She blinked.  
"Ah! Zaraki-taichou must be having his checkup. Poor guy. Well, time for lunch!" She pranced off, humming to herself.

end


	23. SSAD&D :GOLDEN:

Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 23: SSAD&D

* * *

These stories seem to be getting further and further away from the SWA. Oh well! Just so long as they're funny. And if you didn't know, the title means Soul Society Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. 

And, yes: I'm making most of the item names up.

* * *

Rule #1 Of AD&D:  
ALWAYS know the rules. You are never more vulnerable than when you are ignorant. 

Ichigo sat at the head of the table, the DM screen in front of him, hiding his rulebook and map layout. The map was spread across the table and a number of small, colored figures were spread over it. Renji was fervishly trying to read the rulebook so as to try to defend his level 3 theif from being eaten by a beholder. Matsumoto was doing the same, except she had identified the beholder as a gas spore and was arguing with Renji as to how to kill it.

Rule #2 of AD&D:  
Just when you've learned the rules, someone revises them

Next week, they all showed up at the 3rd division HQ (where Ichigo was standing in as captain) and the orange-haired vaisard handed all of them new rulebooks. Renji and Matsumoto paled.

Rule #3 of AD&D:  
You can't have too many tools or too much equipment. The second you remove something, You'll need it.

"You walk into a clearing and are greeted by four Ogres..."  
"Shit!!" Ikkaku yelled. "I have a +3 sword of ogre killing or whatever the hell it is...and I unequipped it!! Arrrgh!!!"

Rule #4 of AD&D:  
Walking around with 80+ lbs. of gear sounds easier than it actually is.

"Heh, that's alright. Ihaven't unequipped anything since this game started last month!" Soi Fon grinned at Ikkaku, who was nearly on the verge of tears.  
"I dare you to walk around with the equivalent your character's gear all day tomorrow," Ikkaku shaot at her malevolently.  
"I'll do that."  
---The next day---  
Soi Fon collapsed in her chair from the extra 103 lbs. of weight she was carrying. "Damn you, Ikkaku," she cursed silently. "I'm going to kill you."

Rule #5 of AD&D:  
It's okay to beat people up if you have the moral justification.

Soifon turned her character about and rolled a deathblow on Ikkaku's.  
"What the hell?!" Ikkaku yelled, standing up.  
Soifon remained calm. "What the hell? You deserve it. I wasn't able to move my legs for three days."

Rule #6 of AD&D:  
If you do beat someone up, you can keep his stuff.

"Heh," Soifon said smugly,"very,very,VERY nice...Your sword with a +3 against ogres...some very nice armor that I can't use, but I suppose I can sell it back to you once you earn back the money I took from you..."  
Across the table, Yumichika was frying an egg on Ikkaku's head.

Rule #7 of AD&D:  
If you're outclassed in every way, bravado is your only salvation.

"You are once again met by 4 ogres..."  
"Hahaha! You cannot touch us!" Ikkaku yelled at the little pieces. "We are protected by the divine light of the Gods! You can't see it because you are evil! Evil creatures cannot see the light!!!"  
Soifon facepalmed. Ichigo rolled some dice.  
"Hunh. Good job, baldy. You scared them off. That's suprising. However, you are smited by the Gods for lying."

Rule #8 of AD&D:  
If the treasure's too good to be true, it definantly is.

"Ha! Look at this! A +7 Axe of Incineration!!" Ikkaku squealed delightedly.  
"Ano, Ikkaku-san," Renji said with a confused look on his face, "you're actually going to pick that up?"  
"Duh!"  
Ichigo rolled some dice.  
"Sorry, Ikkaku. Your character is now perma-killed. The Axe of Combustion...well...combusted and it incinerated you.  
"SHIT!!"

Rule #9 of AD&D:  
No matter how carefully you prepare for a situation, the people you have prepared for will always do something you hadn't thought of.

Once again, the ominous clatter of dice sounded from behind Ichigo's DM screen. "Sorry, Toushirou. You're character's been set on fire."  
"What the hell?!" Hitsugaya was too outraged to notice Ichigo's use of the familiar. "We're fighting brownies! How can I get burnt?!"  
"One of them has fire arrows. Sorry, forgot to mention that."

Rule #10 of AD&D:  
Being richer than most people is a lot of fun.

"Gaaah! I can't afford that weapon!!" Hinamori whined.  
"Heheh..." Soifon grinned.  
"Eeeeh? That's no fair, Soifon-taichou! I wanted that weapon and you bought it just to spite me!"  
"Heheheh..." came the reply.

Rule #11 of AD&D:  
In any group, the safest place is in the middle.

Ichigo rolled some dice. "Out of the forest, 36 Brownies come from every direction, little daggers flashing and tiny arrows flying..."  
"Damnit!" Renji swore. "What IS it with the damned brownies? Those little bastards are annoying!"  
"You're just complaining because they just killed your character," Toushirou said smugly. He rolled some dice as well. "Ha! Deathblow!"  
"Toushirou-kun...how is it that you're the only one without a scratch on you?" Hinamori asked.  
"Heh, the middle is always the safest place.

Rule #12 of AD&D:  
Nothing interesting happens unless someone does something really stupid.

"A terrasque? Aren't those things dormant for like, a millenia? I go up and poke it in the eye," Ikkaku grinned.  
Ichigo rolled some dice. He raised his eyebrows. "Well, unfortunately, the terrasque wakes up and eats you."  
"SHIT!! THAT'S MY THIRD CHARACTER!!"

Rule #13 of AD&D:  
Sometimes the best way to relieve stress is to hit things.

"Die, DIE, you sonuvabitch!!!" Ikkaku roared, rolling dice. Ichigo did the same.  
"Warui, Ikkaku. You died again."  
"AAAARGH!!" Ikkaku went to hit the table. Paused. Then hit Soifon. "Heh, I feel better..." He bolted.

Rule #14 of AD&D:  
People who's abilities are extreme are more powerful/important than those who are well-balanced.

Only one word for this one: Elves.

Rule #15 of AD&D:  
Never open a door if you can get someone else to open it for you.

"Oy, Renji," Byakuya shot across the table. "Open this door."  
"Hai, taichou."  
The dreaded DM dice clatter came.  
"Aw, shit. What happened?"  
"Your character's been turned into a woman by a trap triggered by the door opening."  
"..."

Rule #16 of AD&D:  
Given the right circumstances, everyone has a devious side.

"Hinamori! I'm about to die over here! Help me!" Hitsugaya pleaded.  
"Hmm...I wonder what Toushirou-kun will give me in return for helping him...?"  
"Wha?"  
"I won't help Toushirou-kun if I don't get some kind of prize. That's a hard monster."  
"H-hinamori!! It's a lich! You're the only one with any kind of fire spell!"  
"Still..."  
"Fine! Fine! I'll do anything...just help me!"  
-The next day...-  
Ichigo walked down the street to buy some snacks for that night's game. He spotted Hitsugaya and Hinamori. He failed to hold in his laughter. The taichou was dressed in an elementary school uniform and trying very hard not to whack someone with his oversized lollipop as Hinamori chattered animatedly to him.

Rule #18 of AD&D:  
Roleplaying is life. We play many roles. If only we could play them as well as that half-elf ranger. ((A/N: Who the hell would WANT to play a half-elf ranger?!))

Yumichika walked through the 11th division compound, thinking about how he could possibly explain to Zaraki why he's been absent for a month. As he was pondering this...  
"Oy, Yumichika."  
Yumichika froze and looked behind him. "Ahh! T-taichou...um..ano...that is..." He floundered for a few seconds. He pointed behind Zaraki. "LOOK! A DRAGON!!" When Zaraki turned, Ayasekawa fled.  
Zaraki scratched his head. "Che. What the hell? I was going to ask him if he'd seen Yachiru."

Rule #19 of AD&D:  
50' of rope is never enough.

"Okay, I tie the rope to the boulder and climb down the cliff."  
"You reach the end of your rope. There is still another good 30' of cliff."  
"Shizz...I cast Featherfall."

Rule #20 of AD&D:  
When people work together, they can achieve almost anything.

"Yes! Yes! The terrasque is almost dead!"  
Ichigo rolled some dice.  
"Sorry, Byakuya. Your death wish goes unanswered."  
"Damn! RETREAT!!"

* * *

This was kind of a whim...and all these rules are on the back of a shirt I stole from my dad.  
I made up 90 percent of the stuff in here...But I DO know that to kill a terrasque, it needs to be at -300 health and a death wish answered. I've never really played D&D anyway...D: 


	24. Springtime on the Soulvanna

Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 24: Springtime on the Soulvanna

* * *

Yay! That last chapter must have been a huge hit...four reviews on it!! does happy dance Eeenyhoo, this is Jays' chapter on the SWA's significant others.And Matsumoto was in the last chapter as well. And sorry about the miscount. -sweatdrop- There's only 19 rules on the shirt...and typing in 1-number-of-a-d-7-d gets repetitive, so I must have messed up. Warui!! And the title is a mash of Springtime on the Savanna and Soul Society. -sweatdrop- And Mayuri makes a comeback!! And yay! Last chaper was golden! I'm putting that in that chapter's title...

* * *

It was a nice day in April when Ichigo and the gang visited for their...every-other-month meetings with Yama-jii. Mayuri found it annoying. How was he supposed to get any work done when that demon Ichigo was around? He was used to dealing with Zaraki's ever-present reiatsu, but the addition of Ichigo's funky vaizard reiatsu just plain unnerved him. It was wrong. It was an abomination. And he just HAD to know more about it. However, he was not such a fool as to go right up and interrogate the temp-taichou. He knew the redhead hated his guts, and that Quincy kid was always hanging about, as well. Turning into goo is not a necessarily pleasant feeling, either. He rarely did that and remembering that occasion made his insides squirm in an unsettling way. He'd have to do some research on that. At any rate, he decided to kill off Nemu and installed a microphone and camera into one of her clones, and set her loose after downloading his "daughter's" memories. Currently, she was in the middle of one of her SWA meetings, and Kuchiki Rukia was present. 

"Why is Kurosaki-taichou's reiatsu so strange?" Hinamori piped up.

She had finally acknowledged that Aizen was an evil bastard and got over him. Mayuri was glad about that, because that aspect of the 5th tai fukutaichou he found annoying.

"Well...he IS a vaizard..." Rukia pointed out. "It only makes sense that his reiatsu would feel similar to a hollow's."  
"Yeah...but how did he become one?" Matsumoto asked, intrigued.  
"I'm not sure...you'd have to ask Urahara about that..."  
"Speaking of Kisuke...Does he know where Yoruichi is?" Soifon asked, looking and sounding concerned.

_Che. Lesbian._ Mayuri continued to watch the screen impatiently, wanting to know more about Ichigo's vaizardhood.

"I asked him before I came. He says she's visiting with Kuukaku. And lord knows where SHE is."  
"Amen," Nanao agreed. "She's terribly hard to keep up with." She pushed her glasses up her nose.  
"Ne, Nanao," Matsumoto said, her eyes growing to that irresistable size, "you should come play D&D with us. You'd make a good player."  
"Matsumoto, for the last time, NO."  
"Ne, Kyouraku keeping you busy much?" Rukia shot at her playfully.  
Nanao blushed indignantly. "Kuchiki-san, that's mean."  
Rukia grinned. She turned back to Soifon. "Anyway, Urahara also got a message from Yoruichi for ya."

Mayuri twitched. Then remembered that she'd been living with Ichigo for a long time now, and grew up and hung out with Renji, so it only made sense that she'd use some odd language.

Soifon looked excitedly at her. "Really? What'd she say?"  
Rukia grinned. "I'll tell ya later, 'kay?"  
Soifon dropped her head to her arms with a dreamy smile. Mayuri snorted.  
"So, how's Toushirou?" Rukia asked Hinamori.  
"Ah! Oh, ano...reluctant." She grinned sheepishly.  
"That sounds just like shorty." ((In 10th tai HQ, Toushirou's leg twitches, and he knows somewhere, someone called him shorty.))  
"Well, he has a lot on his hands and he--"  
"Neee, Hinamori!!" Matsumoto got up and leaned over the table at her. "You gotta be forceful! Taichou's always pretends he's got so much paperwork, you really gotta drag him away from the desk!"  
((Toushirou: I really DO have that much paperwork, because you never do your's!! Aho!!!))  
She brought up a finger. "You gotta lure him away! With sweets maybe, or watermelon!"  
Hinamori sweatdropped. "Ano, thanks, Rangiku-san. I'll think about it."  
"Anyway, Rukia-san," Isane said, looking over at her, "how are things going with you and Ichigo?"  
Rukia grinned. "I'll tell you only if you tell me how things are going with Ikkaku."  
Isane blushed and hung her head.  
"I'm kidding!! He's just as stubborn as always. Once or twice we woke up his sisters with our arguing. And then his dad always barges in and gets the wrong impression..."  
Soifon chuckled. "That sounds just like Isshin. He was always weird like that."

Mayuri switched off the monitor, sighed and rubbed his temples. "That wasn't very enlightening." He walked off to conduct some experiments on his moving organs.

END

* * *

I added a few more couples than you asked for...and I had to put the Isane-Ikkaku thing because I made a reference to it in a previous chapter...not to mention, I can't get the image out of my head of Keigo's Sister's "pretty Ikkaku," so I had to save him somehow. XD Anyway...lawl, "vaizardhood." 

And I'm still out of ideas. Some more requests would be good. Ja!


	25. Not so Sweet Snow

Shinigami Women's Association

Chaper 25: Not-so-Sweet Snow

Disclaimer: D: I have just found out that I haven't put disclaimers in the past few chapters!! -legasp!!- I do not own Bleach, wish I did...except for Mayuri. Tite Kubo can keep him. XP

* * *

This is another chapter for Jays, since his/her idea is too good to resist. :3 Enjoy!!!1 Note: Kai calls ice cream "Sweet Snow," hense the title.

* * *

Mayuri had just gotten done waxing his fingernail when the 5th tai exit alarm went off. He ran to go see who had left the compound. Hinamori had just left and was headed towards the 10th tai compound. Mayuri remembered Matsumoto's advice to her and quickly sprang into action. He sent out one of his more useful inventions, a mechanical camera-fly. In all actuality, it was Urahara's invention, but Mayuri just said it was his, and since no one had the bad sense to argue with him, he went along unchallenged. The fly settled on Hinamori's head, and she entered the 10th tai HQ. 

"Toushirou-kuuuuun!" She called. She opened up a door to see Hitsugaya quickly resume working, three or four foot-tall stacks of paper about him. "Ah! Toushirou-kun! Did you get my note?"  
"Hinamori...yeah, I got it, but I'm too busy. And it's Hitsugaya-taichou."  
"Aw, don't be such an over-achiever. Let's go eat ice cream!"  
"Maybe tomorrow, Hinamori. I have a lot of work to do."  
"They have watermelon-flavor!!" She sang to him. He twitched.

Mayuri chuckled at the other end. Apparently Urahara's invention had an adverse side effect, because Toushirou brought his head up sharply. Mayuri didn't notice, he was so overcome with glee.

"Aa, I'll go with you, Hinamori. But I want to make a side trip."  
"Hai!" They turned and went out.  
Mayuri was awfully interested in this "side trip" of Hitsugaya's, especially when they stopped in front of his own HQ. Mayuri narrowed his eyes in curiosity.  
"Kurotsuchi!" A voice sounded behind him. He turned and panicked.  
"Ah! Hitsugaya-taichou! I was just...that is...etto..."  
Hitsugaya's eyes flashed blue.

"Ah! Toushirou! What did you have to do with Kurotsuchi-taichou?" She looked curiously at the frosted-up window  
"Oh, nothing." He sounded awfully, almost frighteningly, cheerful. "Let's go get some ice cream, shall we?"

The hunk of ice that was Mayuri attempted to turn to goo, only to form a green substance with a texture similar to the sweet treat Hitsugaya and Hinamori were about to enjoy.

"Clown-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun?"

Mayuri twitched.

Of all times for Yachiru to show up.

END

* * *

I was going to have Yachiru call Mayuri Bozo-kun, because that just seems to fit...but that's peroxidepest's name. :3 


	26. A Minor Inconvenience

Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 26: A Minor Inconvenience

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Wish I did. But that would be a sad day for the series. XD

* * *

Sorry about the semi-somewhat-a-little-late update...but my stepmom filched my plugs. -- I hate living in Germany sometimes. 110 plugs suck. Anyway, Fantasy, here's your cane chapter. And if Kubo-sensei ever approached me, I think I'd have a heart attack. XD

* * *

Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni-soutaichou had a very strict schedule. At 5:30 he woke up, stretched. 5:31 his slippers went on and he went to the bathroom. 5:35, his teeth were brushed, face washed. 5:45, his beard was combed and ribboned. Now, at this time he would usually go back into his bedroom to put on his shihakushou (because you really can't go around in a purple, flowered kimono all day and be taken seriously) and to grab his cane/zanpakuto, but today would be a little bit different.

Nanao was walking along to give her monthly report to Sasakibe-fukutaichou, who in turn would give it to Yamamoto-soutaichou. She was even humming slightly to herself when she heard a rythmic banging around a corner. She looked to see a very happy Yachiru pounding a Hell Butterfly into the sidewalk with...  
"Yamamoto-soutaichou's Zanpakutou?!"  
Yachiru looked up at the shocked and slightly alarmed Nanao. She grinned. "Heeeyyyaa, Stiffy-chaaaaaaaan!!"  
Nanao twitched indignantly at the nickname. She recovered and pushed her glasses up her nose. "Yachiru-chan...what are you doing with that?"  
"Ne? This? I found it! Innit cool?" She resumed the pounding of the butterfly.  
Kyouraku suddenly appeared beside Nanao. "Neeee, Nanao-chaa--" He stopped and stared at Yachiru. "Yachiru-chan, what are you doing with that?"  
"Neeee, Lech-chan is so dumb." She grinned cutely at him, still pounding the butterfly.  
_Lech-chan...?!_ Kyouraku sighed. "Nanao, please go get Zaraki-taichou."  
"Hai." She shunpo'd.

Zaraki Kenpachi was laying on the roof of his HQ in the early-morning coolness, somewhat damp. Nanao suspected he had fallen asleep on the roof while moon-watching. She cleared her throat. "Z-zaraki-taichou..."  
He twitched and looked up at her. "Che. What are you doing here so late?"  
"Late? Zaraki-taichou, it's nearly 6:00."  
"It's not the next day until the sun rises. It's still friggin' yesterday. Now what is it?"  
"Well," she was a little taken aback by his balatant laziness and the abrubt change in topic. "It's Yachiru-fukutaichou. She's...well...she's taken Yamamoto-soutaichou's zanpakutou."  
Zaraki twitched. A million worse case scenarios ran through his skull at once. He somehow remained calm. "Che, that little brat. I'll go talk to her." He disappeared. Nanao contemplated this last part, because Ken-chan was unable to use anything even resembling shunpo. She sat down and thought about this and watched the day start.

"Oy. Yachiru."  
"KEN-CHAAAAN!!" She proudly held up Yama-jii's stick, a butterly wing and some goo stuck to it. "Look what I found!!"  
"Yachiru, you should return that."  
"Eeeeeh? Why, Ken-chan?"  
"Well...Yama-jii needs it to pound butterflies into the ground, too. He needs some form of relaxation."  
Yachiru thought about this, her face going into the cutest possible image of thought. ((A/N: And a random male shinigami passing by has one of those infamous cuteness-related anyeurisms.)) "Well, I guess so..." She hopped up in Zaraki's shoulder. "Let's go!"  
Some butterflies flew down to assist their fallen comrade to the 4th division compound.

Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni-soutaichou sat at his desk as he listened to Sasakibe Choujiro give the monthly reports (minus the 8th division...Nanao's still contemplating.) and sighed. He was glad to have his zanpakuto back. As Choujiro finished, Yama-jii pulled a dismembered wing off his stick. He handed it to his fukutaichou.  
"Give this to Unohana-taichou. I'm fairly sure she has the rest of it."

END


	27. In a Galaxy Not So Far Away

Shinigami Women's Association

Chaper 27: In a Galaxy Not-so-Far Away...

Disclaimer: I own neither Bleach nor Star Wars. :3 If I owned them, the series...es...would be about Ken-chan and Darth Vader, respectively.

* * *

Che...This is what happenes when you listen to a crappy remix of the Star Wars main theme. --" I blame the people who made it. And I think I'll pull in a less-used character.

* * *

Nemu sat idly at a desk, organizing paperwork. She was glad that she could have some time to herself, away from Mayuri. Even though she cared about the abomination because it was kinda..._programmed..._into her, she liked to be by herself sometimes. She pulled up the Seireitei archives and began to look through them. She spotted something odd. She pulled up the file and looked at the videos inside.

-several hours later-

"...And that's all there is to report, Mayuri-sama."  
"Aa, whatever. Go back and do some more work." He yawned and waved a hand and continued to spy on Toushirou out of spite.  
"Hai, Mayuri-sama. May the Force be with you."  
Mayuri blinked as she left. "Nande ya nen?!"

END.


	28. A Little Bit of Insanity

Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 28: A Little Bit of Insanity

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. :3 Wish I did. Not only would I be rich, I'd be able to draw.

* * *

Now, then...this is the result of a very tired brain in first period refusing to research an event in the 60-70's that influenced american culture. :3 And the result of being rather proud of myself for making a rather glitchy AMV. (There are some jumpy parts that I should've fixed, but It was a rush job.) Now, I haven't written much about Zaraki-taichou, so I have to now. :3 This is an average day in the Juu-ichiban tai.

* * *

0630  
The 11th division rendition of Revely wakes up the 10th and 12th division compounds as the screams of agony during SUICIDE drills reaches its climax.

0700  
Naptime for the taichou. Everyone is required to tie eggshells to their feet. if anyone's cracks, they're put on double-secret probation, which doesn't end well.

0930  
Taichou wakes up, and those on double-secret probation get pwned. Breakfast is served.

1000  
Yachiru's playtime. The compound is empty due to the little girl's violent version of "tag." Due to the fact she is ridiculously fast, _she_ never gets a limb cut off.

1130  
Lunchtime.

1200  
Suprise SUICIDE drills. The 4th division is called in to clean up the mess.

1340  
Yachiru's naptime. Zaraki barricades himself in his office, doing "paperwork." ((AKA smoking and napping.))

1430  
Yachiru wakes up. All hell breaks loose.

1500  
Yumichika is finally able to sedate the fukutaichou. She spends the next hour tearing the heads off of stuffed animals.

1700  
20k run before dinner. Loser has to do dishes.

1840  
20k run finished. MakiMaki has to do dishes. Probably because he is still recovering from a rather severe game of tag with Yachiru.

1900  
Dinner is served.

2247  
Ikkaku finnaly arrives with the night's supply of sake, filched from the 8th division.

2300  
The night's poker game gets under way.

0136  
Everyone passes out, except Zaraki, who gloats over his nights winnings and has a congradulatory smoke before going to bed.

And the whole day starts all over again.

* * *

Yeh. It could be better, but...I don't feel like making it so. :3 


	29. Technical Difficulties

Shinigami Women's Association

29: Technical Difficulties

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

I bloody HATE the school computers. The sound on them is too fast. I tried watching edits of my AMV, but I couldn't. Not only was the sound too fast, they'd freeze. So, screw this. I'm venting my woes. D: 

* * *

Mayuri stretched and sighed. He had--thankfully--been spared the brunt of Toushirou's wrath, and Yachiru had decided he didn't taste very good--however, that left him...-ahem- _lopsided_. He was currently growing himself a new testicle. He decided he wouldn't inform Zaraki of this, because that was certain to mean DOOM to him. Instead, he was typing away at his computer.

It froze.

-at Jyuushirou's sick room in the garden...-

"_GYAAAAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!1_"  
Jyuushirou looked up from his officers' squabbling. "Neh, that sounded like Kurotsuchi-taichou." He shrugged then. "I wonder what happened."

-1st division HQ-

"Kurotsuchi-taichou."  
"-gulp-H-hai, Yamamoto-soutaichou?" Mayuri subconciously became small and meek. Yamamoto's voice could get reeeleeeee scary sometimes. Maybe it was his ranting and raving about cherry-flavored bunnies with alcohol poisoning wrecking the computers.  
"I do not appreciate you coming in here and blabbing nonsense. Have you tried Ctrl-Alt-Delete?"  
"Aa."  
"Alt-F4?"  
"Yep."  
"Force-restart?"  
"Y-yamamoto-soutaichou, that'd wreck the infrastructure of Seireitei!"  
"We can do without a computer system for a couple of months. Get it back up and running."  
"Hai." He left.  
Yamamoto rubbed his temples. The younger taichou could be such babies sometimes. He sighed.  
"_Meeep_..."  
Yamamoto looked around.  
"_Meep, mee-meep_."  
He looked over his desk to see a pink bunny with a martini.  
"_Meeeep!_"  
He picked up the bunny. Tentatively, he licked it. His eyes widened.

"Has Yama-jii lost it entirely?!" Zaraki fumed, stalking up a roadway, everyone giving way to him instantly, in a 50-meter diameter.  
"Ne, Ken-chan. I think you're scaring everyone."  
"So what? I have better things to do than go chasing after figments of his imagination."  
"Taichou, maybe we'd just better humor him."  
"Aa, maybe the old man's gone senile."  
"Whether senility has taken its hold or not, this is humiliating!"  
"_Meeeep!_"  
Yumichika and Ikkaku, who flanked the enraged giant, glanced at eachother. A pink rabbit bounced off of both of their heads. Yachiru spotted it.  
"USA-CHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!" She leaped after "Usa-chan" and caught it. She chewed at its ear. "Neeee, Ken-chan. It tastes like cherries!!"  
"Yachiru..."  
"..." Zaraki stared at the slowly-disappearing rabbit. He turned on his heel and strode off.  
"Oy, Taichou! Where are you going?"  
"Off to kill the person who started this mess."

Kurotsuchi had a chill run down his spine and decided it was time to disappear for a while.

END

* * *

Yeah, that's kinda dumb...but at any rate...Fantasy, I cannot imagine Ken-chan singing. D: 


	30. Calendar

Shinigami Women's Association

30: Calendar

Disclaimer: I do not own bleach!!

* * *

Jays: Thanks for the review. :3 I'm glad you've liked the past couple of chapters. XD The idea you've given has actually been done before...by peroxidepest17, I think it was...well, you should read hir bleach drabbles...especially #200. That's my favorite. Anyway, here goes!

* * *

The SWA called for an extra-secret meeting earlier for some reason. Mayuri had a very, very bad feeling about this.

A few months later, a calendar came out. He was curious as to what it was, because it was mainly sold to female shinigami--with the exception of that fruitcake from the 11th division. He decided he needed to see this for himself. Especially since the women of Seireitei tended to giggle a lot more around some of the captains.

He finally got a hold of one of the calendars and facefaulted. It was a captain beefcake calendar. He was tempted to burn the unholy object before he got curious. If there were 13 captains, and only twelve months...who got left out? He quickly flipped through the calendar.  
"What the hell...?" He flipped through it again.

He watched with joy as the calendar burned on the grill. "That's for leaving me out, you bitches!!"

END


	31. Bad Hair Day

Shinigami Women's Association

31: Bad Hair Day

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach!!

* * *

Mwahahaha! Thank you, one and all for the near 20k hits, 62 reviews, 22 favs and 18 alerts!! ((Although the hits have gone down almost exponentially since chapter one. Go forth and spread propaganda!! XD)) Anyway, yes, Wolf, the two female captains agreed to it, mostly to irk Kurotsuchi. ((Actually, I hadn't thought about them. -sweatdrop, dodges attack from Soifon-)) Anway, yeah, I like the idea of Komamura being in one of those calendars. ((And since 5/6 people in the magazines are men, the male shinigami wouldn't be caught dead with one. Unless said shinigami is Yumichika.)) And if any of you haven't read it yet, you should really read peroxidepest17's fanfic. Or, at least...some of it. XD Anyway...I'm going to use Puu's idea for her first review. Besides, I haven't made fun of Byaku-kuu in a while. ((Byakuya: ...Why must you refer to me like that?!))

* * *

Byakuya stretched and got up. he pulled on his blue robe and went to the bathroom. He washed his face and looked in the mirror.

Renji was awakened abruptly by a rather high-pitched scream. He jolted out of bed, and ran out of his room almost before his robe was completely on. He slipped on the newly-waxed floor and ran into the taichou's room. He looked around and went into the bathroom. Byakuya was sitting in a fetal position in a corner with a damp washcloth on his head.  
"Taichou?" Renji approached him and went to put a hand on his shoulder.  
Byakuya shuffled away. "Don't touch me!"  
Blink. "Eh?"  
"Just go to work, alright?"  
"H-hai, taichou." Renji walked out, and closed the door.  
Byakuya slowly stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. He slowly took off the washcloth.  
"...Afro."

END


	32. Laundry

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 32: Laundry

Disclaimer: I do not own bleach, but I do own the Hydrochloric Soap bar. :XD  
--------------------------  
Sorry for being so late with an update. ;; I'm at my grandmother's. Anyway, I was washing a shirt of mine by hand when I thought of this. ((I'm running on a Bleach Withdrawal, so bear with me. ;-;)) It took a few tries to put this up because the Mac was being really weird. ; Warui..  
---------------------------

The 11th division has always been suprisingly hygenic..."suprisingly" having the meaning of "sometimes without delivering an ultimatum." But there is one aspect of that hygenicness that not even Yumichika will touch.

Laundry.

The horrid laundry soap specially used for the 11th and 12th divisions is something in the family of HCl. ((Hydrochloric Acid.)) However, it's geared only toward cells. So, all that blood that gets all over the 11th shihakusho and all that unidentifiable gunk that gets on the 12th is all burned away by the ridiculously acidic soap, but the cloth is unaffected. The 4th division even has proper suits with which to use the soap. It just so happens that Unohana got mad at Zaraki for another "forgotten" appointment and instructed her subordinates not to clean the 11th division's laundry, but to leave them some of the Soap from Hell. After quite a bit of uproar, a rock-paper-scissors tournament started. The ultimate loser would do the laundry.

Of course Ikkaku lost. He had a really nice run, though, to get to get to the last round.

So it came to pass that Ikkaku was moodily glaring at the mountain of bloody and dirty clothes, and the slightly smaller mountain of evil-looking soap. He looked over at the bathhouse. A grin spread over his face.

Zaraki was leisurely listening to a messenger from Yamamoto-soutaichou when a rumbling started. He turned in his chair to see the bath tub ((a giant barrel)) rolling along. Lucky for Ikkaku, he only saw the bottom; Ikkaku was walking along the top.

Ikkaku had set up the "wash tub" and filled it with cold water, as the instructions left by the 4th division instructed. ((lol, instructions instructed.)) He filled the wash basin with the clothes and reached for the HCl soap.  
------------------

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Yumichika looked over his shoulder. "What was that?"

"I dunno," one of the other men said.

"Nee, Birdy-Queer-Boy-chan," Yachiru said, hanging from his shoulder. "That was Pachinko-head."

"..." Yumichika thought for a bit. "What could possibly hurt him? He's doing laundry."

Yachiru perked up. "He's drying the lawn? I wanna see!" She hopped onto Yumichika's head and pulled an eyelash. "Go, go, Peacock-brain!! Go!!!"  
-----------------

Ikkaku kicked the offending bar of soap over into the 12th division (where it landed in Mayuri's hat...) and yelped as the soap brushed his foot. "Oooooow! Damned soap!! What the hell?!" He drew his sword, prepared to obliterate the lot of it.

"Ikkaku! What happened?" Yumichika had appeared behind him, a rather confused look on his face.

"Oooooy, Baldy, where's the lawn?"

Ikkaku ignored Yachiru ((for once)) and pointed accusingly at the soap with the point of his sword. "That soap is evil!"

Yumichika scoffed. "You're overreacting. You just need a bath." Ikkaku speared a bar and flung it into Bird-boy's face. The mingling of Yumichika and Mayuri's screams was very odd.

"AHHH! IKKAKU!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE---"

"WHO THREW THAT?! I'LL KILL HIM---"

Ikkaku sweatdropped. "See? What did I tell you? The soap is bloody evil."  
---------------------  
Okay, It's not much, but I tried. :XD The Hydrochloric acid was a spur-of-the-moment invention. Review!!!


	33. Hollow, it's what's for dinner?

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 33: Hollow, It's What's For...Dinner?!

Disclaimer: Ichigo swiped this to see if it could be a diversion to keep Zaraki from mauling him. Warui.

* * *

Whoo! Another update. My grandmother will be coming down to yell at me soon. though. :3 Who cares? I have WALNUTS!!! -hoards walnuts- _My preciousssss...  
_And what ARE the names of the people from the Bureau of Technological Development? I'd like to do a piece on all of them, too. ((but i'm too lazy to re-watch the episodes.))

* * *

Renji sighed as he layed on the roof of the 6th division HQ, a bad habit he had picked up in the 11th division. "I wonder when dinner is...?" he wondered aloud, and shocking himself, because he wasn't expecting himself to speak. ((Me: Don't you just love him, he's so absent minded!! -flee!-)) He sighed again, and started counting clouds.

That night, a rather special meal was called that involved all the taichou and their fukutaichou. They were all rather skeptic about the whole ordeal because it was thrown by the 11th division. But, being polite, they all showed up to find a very spectacular spread layed out before them, with meats and wines and everything in between. At the head of it all was a grinning Zaraki Kenpachi. And it was one of his infamous grins that automatically made you distrust anything he said.

"Welcome, welcome," He said, his voice dripping with some kind of sadistic glee. "Sit down, have something to eat!"

At that, Yachiru giggled, which caused the whole congregation to immediately decide that they would not eat a thing on the table.  
----------  
About two hours...  
-----------  
Matsumoto stared at the ridiculously enticing meat before her. She held her breath, hoping the growls from her stomach wouldn't increase if she passed out. Hitsugaya sent a raised eyebrow in her direction. Then Kyouraku. Then Komamura. Nanao. Mayuri. Soi Fon. The stand-in Ichigo. Finally she let her breath out in an explosive gasp and her face color returned to normal.

"Matsumoto," Hitsugaya whispered to her, "what was that all about?"

"Taichou," she whined, "I'm sooooo hungry...but I don't know what they did to the food!!"

"It smells kind of weird to me," Komamura whispered across the table to them. "But none of it smells _bad_."

"You sure, Komamura?" Kyouraku whispered over Nanao. "You heard his voice. It could be some shinigami that lost a sparring match."

"No, it doesn't smell like shinigami. It smells...odd."

With that, Matsumoto immediately grabbed a slice off of the roast in front of her and shoved the whole thing in her mouth.

Sheer, utter, incomprehensible silence.

Matsumoto chewed. And chewed. She chewed on the right side, she chewed on the left. She swallowed.

-10 second pause for effect and...-

"Hey, that's pretty darn good!"

With that, everyone dug in. Zaraki grinned to Yachiru. "When do you think we should tell them that it's Hollow?"

Yachiru grinned. "Why, silly. Tell them right now."

No one ever went to another feast hosted by the 11th division.


	34. Just a little bit tipsy

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 34: Just a little bit tipsy

Disclaimer: I do not own bleach...for obvious reasons. And this was partly Shadow's fault. If you're reading this, yes, I blame it on you. It's what I do.

* * *

Byakuya stared at his cup of sake. Well, "stared" is sort of misleading. "Attemped to gain focus on" would be more accurate. It was new year's, and everyone was sitting around, having a good time, ignoring the 4th division's request to "drink responsibly." So, Byakuya was decidedly drunk. And everyone knew what happened when Byakuya got drunk.  
It was only a matter of time until the waterworks started. However, the subject of said crying would suprise them all.

It was nearing the anniversary of his wife's death, and as everyone knew, that tended to make him irritable and slightly irrational. And, as everyone knew, Rukia and his wife looked very similar.  
I'm sure you can see where this is going.

The night, Byakuya had been attempting to stare at Rukia, who was having another fight with Ichigo. A thought came to him. A half-formed, ethanol-enduced thought of sheer lunacy that it even suprised himself.  
"Rukia," he said and motioned in the vague area of her.  
"H-hai, nii-sama?" She came and sat down next to him.  
He thought for a few minutes as to how to word it. "Rukia, I think I'm going to disown you," he said thoughtfully.  
"N-nii-sama?!"  
"And instead, would you marry me?!" He hugged her around the middle.  
"..."  
"Oy, Byakuya, are you alright?" Ichigo asked, incredulous.  
"Yeah, I'm al--I'm all--" He passed out.  
Jyuushiro glanced over at Byakuya. "Maybe we should all forget about this year's incident?"  
Zaraki chuckled. "No fuckin' way.

END


	35. Technical Difficulties Again

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 35: Technical Difficulties. Again.

Disclaimer: I do not own bleach...If I did, there would be no such thing as "fillers".  
I haven't done a 12th division one in a while, so I'm going to do one. And it has just occured to me that I have abandoned Seireitei Idol, but I can't think of anything else, and I don't think I could stomach the Pussycat Dolls' "Don'tcha." I think I'm going to do something else, though.  
I still want to know the name of the guy from the Technological Development Bureau. Horny-Forehead. What is his name? beats self over head

* * *

The computer system in Seireitei is the most complex and intricate pieces of machinery ever. It's so complex, that some parts of it are even living, and need a staff member of the Technological Development Bureau to look after them. But Mayuri didn't care. He couldn't care less about the finer workings of the computer system, as long as it worked. And everyone knew what happened if it didn't.  
Much pain, that's what.  
And it was a normal day that one of the more tempermental living parts decided to throw a fit, therefore throwing the whole system into chaos.

Mayuri sat, as always, in his plush microfiber chair, chewing on a now-perfected hamburger, and typing with his non-greased hand. Suddenly, a high-pitched screech started somewhere in the bowels of the 12th division technological fortress. The screen flickered, died, flickered again, and exploded. Mayuri flung himself away at the last second, swearing. He hauled himself up and stormed into the basement.

The tempermental piece of equimpent was a living resistor, about the size of a chihuahua and the shape of a mutilated turnip. Its huge mouth was open wide in a scream, electricity pouring out of it. Mayuri pushed past frightened attendants and kicked the offending creature. It shut up and stared at him with tear-filled eyes.

"Shut up and get to work, you worthless waste of carbon!" Mayuri yelled at it. The creature sniffed a few times and started wailing. Mayuri sighed irritably and patted the creature, which stopped crying and chirped happily. "There, there, I'm sorry. I just got a little annoyed." The creature chirped again and settled back into its usual place, and the machine next to it began to hum. Mayuri turned on the congregation of shocked staff members. "First, go repair my monitor. Then meet me outside. I'm sure Zaraki can find _something_ for you all to do."

END


	36. Fullmetal Shinigami

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 36: Fullmetal Shinigami

Disclaimer: Due to my extensive reading of Fullmetal Alchemist, I decided to do this. I do not own either Bleach nor FMA.

* * *

Once again, Ichigo had been "asked" to stand in for one of the missing captains. And, again, as always, he brought along some manga to read while he was stuck in Seireitei and wasn't avidly avoiding Zaraki. However, as before when he had brought Naruto and a ninja wave swept over Soul Society, a new wave was about to hit.

"Ichigo-san...?" Kira said, opening the door to the captain's quarters. "You are behind on your paperwor--" He noticed several books lying on the bed and picked one up. "Fullmetal...Alchemist?"

"...And the paperwork is done!" Ichigo sighed and leaned back against the tree he was sitting under. "It's good to get out once in a while."

"Seriously, Momo!" Kira's voice came from behind. "You clap your hands and stuff happens!"

"Waaaiii! Honto?"

_Ah, crap. He got a hold my FMA. Oh, well, nothing's gonna happen._

A clap sounded behind him and a light flashed. Ichigo turned quickly to see what was once a rock turn into a statue of Kira. Ichigo's eye twitched. "The bloody--?!"

[END


	37. Alex Louise Kira

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 37: Alex Louise Kira

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or FMA, otherwise each story would go to crap. And the chapter name's credit goes to Viashino. I would have died laughing had my english teacher not been reading Macbeth to us. XD

* * *

"Has anyone noticed something weird going on?" Soi fon demanded irritably, mentioning towards the rest of Seireitei with a vicious chop that nearly decapitated Isane. "There have been weird statues all over the place!"

"Yeah, like some sort of cubist craze is sweeping over Sould society," Ichigo said boredly, reading an FMA book. "It doesn't really concern me."

"Ne, Kurosaki-san," isane said, recovering from the flying leap she had just taken to keep her head, "why are you here again?"

"Rukia is taking a day off," he replied laconically, keeping his eyes on his book. "She asked me to take over for today."

"But if think that it is somewhat Kurosaki-san's fault," Momo said softly from her end of the table. Everyone looked at her.

"Ne, Hinamori-kun, what does that mean?" Matsumoto asked, slightly confused.

"The book that Kurosaki-san is reading," she said, motioning toward a slightly startled Ichigo with her chin, "it has the same thing that Kira-kun did...he clapped his hands together to make something, just like the red shrimp in the books." ((Ed Elric: -sneeze- Someone just called me a shrimp!))

"Che," Ichigo returned to his book. "Alchemy doesn't exist."

FLASH!

Ichigo froze as the wall behind them dissolved to form yet another strangely cubist statue.

"Kira-kun!" Hinamori cried, running towards him. "What are you doing?"

"People keep requesting that I do these things, so I used the nearest wall to me--Kurosaki-san, what are you---?"

"Shut it! Kira, there is no such thing as alchemy! It's in a book! Now stop this nonsense!"

"_Demo_, Kurosaki-san..."

"What?"

Kira stood tearfully for a second before hugging his statue. "My work is so _beautiful_!!"

Sweatdrop.

"This...is going to be difficult.

END


	38. Ultimate Badminton

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 38: Extreme Badminton

Disclaimer: This segment was destroyed after a rather severe game of badminton between Renji and Ikkaku. Warui.  
And I would NEVER have Kira take off his shirt. -shudder- He's far too pretty.

And for all you who have read/watched Saiyuki: READ REM'S FANFIC! She's so ignored...I feel real sorry for her. Go! Read! Sure, "The Trio Meets THEM" isn't really a catchy name, but it's funny. If nothing else, I command thee. And give me chapter ideas. Partial credit goes to Tim. Again. Yes, the "Muffin Zanpakuto" man. Pokemon reference in here, if you can spot it.

* * *

"Service!"

"Haa!" The birdy sails over the wall dividing Rukongai from Seireitei.

"Ikkaku, you're supposed to hit it to _me_, not the people over there."

"Che, I'll play how I want to."

"Oy, Shining-Head, I'm running out of birdies." Renji made the sentence as insulting as possible.

"What? Fine, let _me_ serve!"

"No way! I won't even be able to _hit_ the damned things!"

"Then jump!" Ikkaku picked up a birdy and inhaled. "ULTIMATE DRAGON SERVICE!!!"

WHACK!  
CRUNCH.

Renji looked apprehensively at the large crack in the wall behind him caused by the birdy. His temper snapped. "Oy! Idiot! This isn't a 'kill you' game!"

"Then it's no fun! ULTIMATE DRAGON SERVICE!!"

"THUNDER CLAW HIT!!"

"METEOR MASH!"

"IMPALING DRAGON RUSH!"

The shouts and oddly-named super hits carried on for more than an hour, and Zaraki and Ichigo found something they could both do together that didn't involve their deaths.

"I bet Renji'll miss this one," Ichigo said, taking some popcorn from Zaraki.

"Yeah--eh, no, there it goes. Nice reflexes."

"Remind me never to play baseball with them."

"What's 'baseball'?"

"Nevermind. Pass the popcorn."

END


	39. Something for Nothing

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 39: Something for Nothing

Disclaimer: This was repaired by forced labour. I do not own bleach.

We're getting toward 33,000 hits here! only 200 more! Wow, I actually feel like I've accomplished something in my life now. Pretty sad, huh? In almost 18 years, I have never been this popular. Hey, a whole bunch of people I don't know like me! That is, liek, SOU AWESUMZ! ...-sigh- Yeah, I've been really stressed out the past couple of days. I have barely finished the first part of a year-long project in Chemistry, and I'm not even sure I've done it right. I also have to write an essay as to why Garion from the Belgariad is a hero. (sarcasm)Yaay, looking through five books to find quotes! I love my life!(/sarcasm) I hate being a Senior. I have never been so stressed at the beginning of the year. I'm going to be bald come this June. Oh, sorry. The chapter. Eheh, I'm going to be using this as a somewhat-blog, because the school blocked my account. JUST MINE. But that's another story.

* * *

Ichigo looked through the textbook he had been forced to bring to Soul Society, frantically looking for an illusive answer to an all-too-easy question. _Gaaah...where is it?!_ he thought, frantically flipping pages so hard that one almost ripped out of the book. He contemplated asking someone, but the only person who would know the answer would demand something in return, and he shuddered to think what it might be. He flipped through the book a few more times, accidentally ripping out the half-torn page, and gave up.

"And what will you give me in return if I give you the answer?" Kurotsuchi Mayuri asked, drumming his fingertips together in anticipation.

"Uh...I don't really _have_ anything to give you...uh..." Ichigo started digging through his pockets. "Some candy Yachiru gave me, medicine I stole from Ikkaku, some barrettes I swiped from Byakuya's dresser..." ((Byakuya: -is now walking around with loose hair, fuming over the loss of his precious, status-flaunting barrettes-)) Ichigo pulled out a toy horn and honked it. "Ah, that must be from when I babysat Yachiru..."

"Enough, enough," Mayuri said irritably. "If I give you the answer, I want a strand of your hair."

"My...my hair?" Ichigo cocked his head. "Well, if that's all you want..." He reached up and pulled out a strand of hair and handed it to the captain. Mayuri opened a small plastic baggie in which Ichigo deposited the hair.

"That'll do. Now, Millikan discovered the weight of an electron by his oil drop experiment. That should suffice for your paper. Anything more in-depth and you'd be failed for cheating."

"Ah, thank you, Mayuri." Ichigo dashed out before he could forget the answer.

Mayuri watched him go, and after the front door had slammed, he cackled in glee. "Finally! Nemu! Bring this to the cloning chamber! I want to find out what makes him tick!"

END


	40. Babysitting Gone Wrong

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 40: Babysitting Gone Wrong

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Nanny 911.  
Yes! 40 chapters!! Just have to keep it up...however, I am trying to figure out what I can do for another Seireitei Idol...I'm kinda sad I ran out of ideas...sorry for not using the "Don't Cha" idea...I'm not going to put myself through torture for comedy's sake. This is kind of using the "hide Toushirou's Zanpakuto" idea, exept I don't think I've done anything with Yachiru.  
The British are doomed.

* * *

Zaraki sat in the oversized recliner, a beer in one hand and the remote in the other. He was bored. There was nothing on TV. Never is during the day, and there was no one to fight. Yachiru was out back, probably chewing on the kitten she had found yesterday. He sighed and let his head fall back. The doorbell rang.  
"Oy! Toushirou! Get the door."  
"You get the door, you good-for-nothing lout!" The shorter captain called from the kitchen. "You could use the excersize!"  
Zaraki growled in the direction of the kitchen. Why did he get sent to earth with him? Why did he get sent to earth? He growled and heaved himself out of the chair and walked to the door. The first thing he saw was...  
"...Camera."  
"Hello. We have recieved note that you have unruly children. This is Nanny 911."  
"Uh..." Zaraki held up a finger and closed the door. "Toushirou! It's for you." He went back to his chair, and sat down. It started to sag under his weight. Toushirou, stripping off a pink apron crossed to the door and opened it. The message was repeated. Toushirou, unsure of what to do, let the people in.  
"I have recieved note of an unruly child. Are you the father?" The woman asked in a crisp british accent. Zaraki stared at her for a moment, confused. "You talkin' to me?"  
"Yes. Are you the father?"  
Zaraki started laughing. The woman blushed indignantly, just as Matsumoto came through the door, overloaded with bags.  
"Zaraki-taichou...could you help me with this?"  
"Che." He got up and took the bags from her and went up the stairs. Matsumoto noticed the camera crew and blinked.  
"Taichou...who are they?"  
"They're the people the neighbors sent to deal with Yachiru." Toushirou yawned and handed the apron to her. "Here, go do your chores that I'm almost done with."  
"Ne, Taichou, you're so nice!" She hugged him, and he immediately pushed her away to prevent being killed by womanhood.  
"Whatever! Go do your work!"  
"The children here seem to not acknowledge authority, and the parents are indifferent and childish--"  
"Excuse me," Toushirou said to the woman speaking into a camera, "but you really aren't needed here."  
"Go and play, kiddo. We'll get the family together for a discussion in a bit."  
The temperature dropped about four degrees. "'Kiddo'...?"  
"Ken-chaaaan!" A pink blob bounced into the room, and noticed the camera crew. "Ne, Shiro-kun...why are there so many people with boxes? Are we moving?"  
"No, Yachiru. They were just _leaving._" The last word was accompanied by another decrease in temperature.  
"Ne, Shiro-kun is _maaad_," Yachiru said in a sing-song voice. She paused. "I need to find Ken-chan. The kitty is broke."  
"You probably chewed its head off, Yachiru-chan," Matsumoto called from the kitchen. "Kittens aren't as sturdy as Ikkaku-san is."  
"That's true," Yachiru said morosely. "I miss Shining-Head."  
"Ah, Yachiru." Zaraki descended from the staircase, a wooden sword in hand.  
"Ken-chaaan!" she crowed and leaped onto his shoulder. "Whatchagonnagohit?"  
"I've almost gotten through that tree in the backyard. I plan to get through it all the way today."  
"Waaaai! Ken-chan is so strong!"  
BOOM.  
"MATSUMOTO!!!"  
"TAICHOU!" Matsumoto came out of the cloud of smoke that now filled the kitchen. "Taichou, the microwave exploded!"  
"You idiot! What did you put in it?!"  
She muttered something he couldn't hear.  
"Come again?"  
"A potato..." She muttered.

"I can see we have a lot of work to do here," the nanny said, holding her sleeve to her nose.


	41. Grass Stains

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 41: Grass Stains

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.  
Yaaay, the first Arrancar chapter! Awesome! Not really, because I'm not even sure I'm spelling Ulquiorra's name right. (I love how it's pronounced in japanese, however. Make a mistake on that name and you're risking a severe tongue injury. Urikiora. XD Awesome.) Now, this is all Shadow's fault. Completely. Sorry for such balatant OOCness.

* * *

Ulquirra sighed as he got up off the ground, and swore that he'd pay Grimmjow the kindness of pushing him out of the trans-dimentional portal. He brushed himself off and noticed something. His eyes widened and he let out a girlish scream.

"Oy, Matsumoto," Hitsugaya whispered to his fukutaichou, attempting to get out of the range of the cameras. "Why is he here?" He motioned towards Ulquiorra, who was spraying liberal amounts of Shout on his white Shihakushou.  
"Ne, Taichou, he promised he wouldn't hurt us as long as we don't attack him," Matsumoto whispered back. "Besides, he's kind of cute."  
"Matsumoto!" Toushirou growled, "he isn't a puppy! What's he doing here?"  
"What's it look like he's doing? He's getting a stain out."  
Hitsugaya shot her a nasty look. He walked over to the Arrancar. "Oy. You. Espada."  
Ulquiorra looked up from his shihakushou.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"I have to get this grass stain out."  
"Why?"  
A pause. Ulquiorra looked down, and when he looked up again, tears were in his eyes. "If I go back with a _grass stain_, Aizen-sama will eat me for dinner! He did it with the former 4th Espada as well!" He sniffled a little bit, and Hitsugaya felt immediately bad. He pointed to the cabinet above the Arrancar's head.  
"The bleach stick is in there. It might work better." He walked back to Matsumoto. "Fine!" he whispered. "You can keep him. But if he goes on the carpet just once, he's out of here!"

END


	42. Orange Fuzz of Doom

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 42: Orange Fuzz of Doom

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. However, I _do_ own teh Orange Fuzz.  
I expected more comments on the "If he goes on the carpet" comment. ;-; I'm kinda sad now...Well, I have discovered the big plus to being a Senior. :D We get food! This morning we're getting breakfast, and we get all kinds of goodies at Christmas and stuff. -squee!- Anyway...this is a continuation of the "Something For Nothing" chapter. I'll get to the Nanny one in a bit. I originally had the idea of sticking Ichigo's hollow in here...you know, the awesome one that he almost turned into during his fight within himself? But, that wouldn't be funny.

* * *

"Mayuri-sama!"  
"Yes, Nemu?"  
"There is a problem with Kurosaki-san's clone!"  
"What kind of a problem?" Mayuri said scathingly.  
"Just come and see." Nemu walked downstairs, and Mayuri cocked his head and followed. They descended for what seemed to be forever; Mayuri never made this trip unless he really had to--and a problem with his precious Vaizard clone was a trip he _really_ had to take. They finally set down, and the cloning lab was totally unrecognizable. It was covered in a soft, puppy-hair-like orange substance. Mayuri inhaled and held it until he almost passed out to curb his rage. He sighed and walked through the fur, heading toward the approximate area Kurosaki's clone was supposed to be. Needless to say, a small creature was sitting there. It looked vaguely like a hollow, and vaguely like a puppy. Mayuri's eye twitched as he picked up the skull-dog, which yipped happily and tried to lick his face. Once again, Mayuri held his breath.  
"Mayuri-sama..."  
"Kurotsuchi-taichou..." One of the attendants struggled through the mass of soft fur and breathed heavily. "I don't know what happened. The body formed and then this hair just grew and grew...so much it broke the glass and..." He froze in terror, and started gibbering and swaying back and forth. Mayuri's eye twitched in irritation yet again.  
"Come to your senses, moron!" He said delivering a left hook to the man's skull. He snapped out of it, blinked a few times, then started to struggle free. Mayuri shook his head, and grabbed a pair of strategically-placed scissors and began to cut the dollow's hair. ((A/N: Dog and Hollow is Dollow! Get it? -gets shoe thrown at her for lousy joke- x.X Owwww...)) When he had finished, he decided.  
"Nemu, I think I'm going to keep him. He's kind of...cute." He tucked the abomination to his chest and began the ascent back up to Seireitei.

END


	43. Mary Poppins Goes Sane

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 43: Mary Poppins Goes Sane

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Nanny 911, or Mary Poppins.  
Well, this is the continuation of the "Baby Sitting Gone Wrong" chapter...and yes, Ulquiorra is still in here, although he has mysteriously obtained a Gigai. Now the nanny thinks he's the rocker-emo-gamer older brother with a fixation on death. This oughta be fun. (Yay for plot devices!) Sorry for it taking so long and for it being long. I hope you'll find it funny.

* * *

Matsumoto, Zaraki, Toushirou, Yachiru, and Ulquiorra sat on one side of the table, the nanny and two camera crew people sat on the other. An uneasy silence filled the icebox-temperature room.  
"So, uh..." The nanny struggled to remember the questions she had repeated countless times. "So, um, how well do you get along with your children?"  
The room grew colder. Zaraki snorted.  
"Y'know, shorty, your temper is going to make you an old man really fast." Hitsugaya twitched at this and the room warmed up slightly.  
"Zaraki-taichou, you know that if you pester him too much, Hitsugaya-taichou might just attack you," Matsumoto chided.  
Zaraki let out a vicious grin. "I can't wait." Yachiru perked up at this.  
"Waaaaiii! Is Ken-chan and Short-Whitey-chan going to fight?"  
Matsumoto sweatdropped. "This isn't getting anywhere. You should both calm down."  
The nanny, caught off guard, shook her head. "When do they go to school?"  
"'School'?" Zaraki repeated, a confused look on his face.  
"Ah--um, they're homeschooled," Matsumoto recovered.  
"I see..." The nanny took some notes. "When do they go to bed?"  
"Like they'd listen to a limit like that," Zaraki muttered.  
"Ah...whenever they feel like it," Matsumoto said again.  
The nanny nodded slightly, still making notes. "When did you two meet, and what attracted you to eachother?"  
Silence, in which Matsumoto and Zaraki glanced at eachother, a confused expression on Zaraki's and a pained look on Matsumoto's they put their heads together.  
"Zaraki-taichou, I think this is going too far."  
"Yeah, besides, I doubt if you and I would get along very well," Zaraki said. Yachiru popped her head into the mess.  
"C'mon, Ken-chan, play pretend!"  
"Yachiru..."  
"Ken-chan and big-booby should play pretend!" Her voice was barely a whisper. Meaning, she was talking normally, on the verge of her normal shout.  
"Yachiru..."  
"It would be fun! We could all play house! Big-Booby and Ken-chan will be the mommy and daddy, Shorty-whitey-kun and I will be the kids, and skully-head can be the dog!"  
Ulquiorra twitched slightly. "'Dog'?" He objected, but was silenced immediately by an evil look from Yachiru.  
"Play pretend! Or I'll scream!"  
Everyone made up their minds at that point.  
"So, uh..." Zaraki scratched his head, trying to force his brain into ad-lib mode. "What was the question again?"  
The nanny raised her eyebrow. "When did you two meet, and what attracted you to eachother?"  
"Well," Matsumoto cut in, slightly panicky, "he's obviously a level-headed guy, and me being so ditsy, I needed someone to help me stay focused!"  
Zaraki blinked. "Uh, yeah."  
The nanny's other eyebrow shot up. "Uh-huh. Well, there is obviously a lot of work to be done here..." She dismissed the "family." She turned to a cameraman. "This family is insane." 

But the worst was yet to come.

The next day, the nanny roused everyone up bright and early to lay out a list of all the things everyone needed to do. Zaraki and Matsumoto stared at her glassy-eyed, and Hitsugaya was glaring at her from the couch. Yachiru was chewing on Lord-knows-what, and Ulquiorra was twidling his thumbs. The nanny paced along in front of them, attempting to build tension. Hitsugaya finally got fed up.  
"Well, are you going to say anything, or what?" he snapped, his irritation dropping the temperature again. Zaraki noticed this and chuckled. Hitsugaya leveled his gaze at him. A lesser man would have--literally--frozen instantly.  
"I wonder what kind of situation would cause the temperature to _rise_?" he chuckled. Hitsugaya stiffened indignantly.  
"Zaraki-taichou...despite our current circumstances, I am tempted to kill you right here." His voice was laced with venom, a lace that Zaraki ignored, much like the doilies on the countertops. ((He puts his cold beers right on the wood, not on the doily or on a coaster.)) Zaraki grinned savagely at this announcement.  
"That would be fun...you aren't overburdened by petty things like loyalty or justice. Bring it on, shorty! Let's see if all the 'prodigy' talk is true!" Zaraki leaped to his feet, pulling a wooden sword out of nowhere, and Hitsugaya following suit. As they engaged in battle, Matsumoto gazed at them indifferently, Ulquiorra prized Yachiru off his head again, and the nanny went diving for cover. Suddenly...

"_Hadou san-juu-san: Soukatsui!!"_

_BOOM._

Matsumoto leaped behind the loveseat she was lounging on just as the living room blew up. She looked over the tattered edge through the smoke as two shapes still clashed together. The wall collapsed as the fighting ranged outside, and everyone followed.  
"Waaaaiii!" Yachiru squealed and clapped her hands. "Shorty can use shunpo in a gigai! He's so skilled!"  
Sure enough, Hitsugaya seemed to be everywhere. He launched himself into the air just as the nanny looked outside.  
"_Hadou roku-juu-san..._"  
"Hitsugaya-taichou!! No!"  
"_RAIKOUHOU!!!_"  
An enormous bolt of electricity fell from the sky, and matsumoto was barely able to put up a shield before the house was annihilated. After the dust had cleared, Zaraki, from the point-of-view of the nanny, was gone. Hitsugaya was yelling to himself, Yachiru was floating in midair, and Matsumoto and Ulquiorra were oddly unscathed. She snapped. Her scream echoed off of the charred buildings and the bright blue sky. Everyone looked at her.  
"I've had it! I've had enough! You...you...YOU'RE ALL INSANE!!!" She ran off, screaming to herself. Zaraki, who had ejected out of his gigai before Raikouhou could hit him, blinked after her, Yachiru on his shoulder.  
"What's up with the old bag?"

END


	44. Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of Doom

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 44: Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Doom, Death, and Mass Destruction

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach...  
This is following the most recent SI request. ((Seireitei Idol, not the international standard measuring unit.)) I would do the Shunsui/Nanao bit, but I need a song name. (It really does help.)  
And I do read all of my reviews, so those of you leaving relatively useless material, you don't sound stupid. ((You know who you are. -maniacal laughter, chokes on own spit-)) Gack!! -sings- On with the shoooowwwwwwww!! -strikes pose- Bleh, I need Queen. -pounces for iPod-

* * *

Once again, for the first time in a long, long time, the murmuring drifted through the curtains. Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni-soutaichou sighed, feeling rather irritated, more at himself than at the SWA. It was his own lack of vision that granted the formation of the Association, and he has regreted it ever since. However, they were now such an integral part of the infastructure of Seireitei that if they were removed, things would go to crap. Literally, in some cases. The threat of having to dance and sing to "Don't Cha?" looming over Mayuri's head like a black cloud of sexy death was the only thing stopping him from doing some of his more..._interesting_ experiments. The more time Yamamoto-soutaichou spent behind the curtain, the more he thought about his predicament. The more he thought about his predicament, the more he didn't like it. The more he didn't like it...well, by the time the curtains rose, Yamamoto-soutaichou was gone, and he had decided the SWA's fate. Nanao looked at the stage as Great Balls of Fire was playing, and noticed a letter. She walked across the stage and picked it up. As she read it, she froze. She motioned to Nemu to stop the music and dashed off. The shinigami in the crowd were left, confused and disoriented. "So what do we do now?" one of them asked.

Later, in an emergency meeting of the SWA, Nanao was presenting Yama-jii's letter.  
"'...And because of the aforementioned actions, the Shinigami Women's Association shall be dissolved in one week.'"  
Uproar.  
Soi Fon stood up, not much of a difference, but everyone shut up. She straightened up. "We have to fight for our lives!" She said imperially, slamming a fist down on the table. "The old man doesn't appreciate the work we've put into making Seireitei a better place! We need petitions! We need protests! We only have one week! Go! Ensure the survival of this organization!"  
The other women cheered briefly and sped off, leaving Soi Fon alone. She looked around furtively, inhaled in pain and cradled her hand. "I shouldn't've punched the table..."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Cid: What th' hell? Since when've there been 'To be continued's in this story?  
Nanashi: -throws her shoe at Cid- Damnit, old man, what're you doing here? Get back into your own damn story!  
Cid: -throws shoe back- Then work on my story too!! -leaves-  
Nanashi: -nervous laugh- Yeah...there may be an update of my long-forgotten FFVII story. Maybe. -dodges thrown bronze claw- Okay, okay. -salutes- I'll do my best! -scurries off to play games-


	45. Tobi Needs to Return to His Own Anime

The Shinigami Women's Association

Chapter 45: Tobi Needs to Return to His Own Anime

Disclaimer: I do not own either Bleach or Naruto.  
Been a while since I've seen Naruto...I was reading it, but I lost my place at around chapter 290-something to 310. It was right after Sakura and Kakashi are knocked out and Itachi steps dramatically from the forest. The thing that has resparked my interest in it is Tobi!! I know, Tobi is evil, but Tobi is a good boy! -laughs- Tobi is so awesome. However, the Obito idea has gone out the window. Apparently he's an age-defying bad guy. Very much age-defying. -pause- But Tobi is a good boy!!

* * *

Ichigo sighed as he listened to the report from a lower-ranking shinigami. He never really learned the officers of the 5th division, which he was standing in for this time, and he really didn't care. Hinamori was still a little bit incapacitated over Aizen, and he had given her time off until she could actually recover. And, as always, he brought along some manga to make the trip a little easier. He was getting the unnerving feeling of being watched again, and looked out the window as a dark figure bolted off. He narrowed his eyes and dismissed the officer suddenly, and hurried to his room. Sure enough, red books were strewn all over the room. He started grabbing the books and trying to assemble them into some kind of order as he noticed something else.  
They were coated in plaster.  
Ichigo's eye twitched. His brand new, almost-mint-condition books were coated in _plaster_. And...orange paint. A sick feeling came to him as he suddenly realized something. He ran off. 

"Toushirou!"  
Hitsugaya, who was drinking tea at the moment, inhaled the whole cup and started to hack up a lung. Ichigo did not wait for him to recover.  
"Toushirou, there is an emergency!!"  
Hitsugaya tried to rearrange his bronchial tubes into some kind of order. "What is it?"  
Ichigo held up a book.  
"Naruto...Shippuden?"  
"Aa, and I think there's something wrong in Seireitei."  
"Is that plaster?"  
"Just listen to me. You see, there's a character in here--well, there are several characters like this in this book--who is bipolar. Very, very bipolar, and I don't think it's a very good idea if someone impersonates this character."  
Hitsugaya dug a finger in his ear, bored with Ichigo's frantic explaination. He sighed and waved him off. "Whatever, Kurosaki. I'll get around to it." Ichigo opened his mouth to say more, but Hitsugaya cut him off. "It doesn't really matter! It's a manga character. It can't do much harm." Ichigo turned to leave and as he did Hitsugaya added, "And my name is _Hitsugaya!_" He sighed as the door closed, and a dark figure in an orange mask hanging from the cieling pulled out a metal glove.  
"Forgive me," it said, slipping on the glove, "for Tobi is a good boy."  
Hitsugaya turned around to see who had spoken just to get a mouthful of metal. He passed out. A letter was placed on his desk and the orange-masked figure slung the incapacitated taichou over his shoulder and disappeared.


	46. Turkey Day Special

The Shinigami Women's Association

Turkey Day Special

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or else Aizen wouldn't exist. I don't own Naruto, or else Zabuza wouldn't've died. I do not own Ouran Host Club, or else the whole series would go to crap. Or...more crap than it has gone into. I do not own FFVII, or I would have already remade it for the PS2, because the PS3 sucks. ((Yeah, you heard me right! You know who you are, you wasteful people! The online compatibility sucks, anyway.)) I do not own FMA, or else...oh, yeah, the original Greed wouldn't've been assimilated and ejected into another body. ((I don't like Ling.))

* * *

Nanashi: -salutes- Okay!! It's time for the first Turkey Day special! -fanfare in background-

Ichigo: Um...what's this about?

Nanshi: -matter-of-factly- It's an american holiday, Thanksgiving.

Hikaru & Kaoru: I've heard of that. Isn't when people sit around and eat too much food and suffer through the next week with guilt?

Nanashi: -throws boot at twins- Shut up! I haven't even brought you _into _the whole mess!

Hitsugaya: Oy, nice place to leave off. When do the readers figure out that my kidnapper is actually---murf!!

Nanashi: -kicks in head- STFU!! No spoilers, damnit!

Tobi: -sweatdrop- Ano...I'm wondering when I can get out of this mask, too. That turkey smells gooood...-glances at table with every Thanksgiving food imaginable-

Deidara: Yeah, it's not like you're the _real_---GAH!! -dodges kick to head-

Nanashi: Damnit, I said no spoilers! Now then...This is the Turkey day special, even though Thanksgiving isn't untill Thursday.

Renji: So what excactly _is_ this holiday all about?

Hikaru: We told you, it's about...

Kaoru:...eating so much that you explode.

Nanashi: -throws other boot- Out! Out, you freakish incest people!!

Kisame: So...when do we get to eat?

Hitsugaya: Oy, you're not even _in_ the fanfic.

Kisame: -shrug- Neither is Deidara, but since Tobi is technically in it, we decided we should be, too, even if it's only for this one chapter. -eyes food-

Cloud: ...

Nanashi: Um...Cloud? Why are you here? I've already updated your fanfiction.

Barret: We're also figments of your imagination, so we decided to join in, too!

Nanashi: -facepalm- Gaaah. This is getting out of hand and completely confusing.

Kira & Ed Elric: -clap hands together, pillars turn into a cubist statue of Ed and a very bad statue of Kira-

Ed: Ha! Mine's better! I think I definantly captured your true looks!

Kira: What's that supposed to mean? I don't look that crappy! This is what I think your inner self looks like! -pats statue-

Ed: Whaaat? I'm not consisted of squares.

Kira: They're cubes..._shorty._

Ed: -snap-

Hitsugaya: SHUT UP, YOU WORTHLESS WASTES OF AIR!!

Nanashi: -throws cinder block Toushirou- STFU! I'm trying to present the Turkey Day special!!

Kai: -pops head in- Hey, Nana? If I give you the Roadtrip of Doom, can you update it?

Nanashi: Yeah, yeah. Later! In or out, you're letting the sanity in!

Kai: Yeah, yeah, whatever. -exits-

Nanashi: -sigh- Well, i suppose that this was a complete failure...but I was too lazy to update the three or four plot lines going on. So, DIG IN! -ties napkin around neck and pulls out a knife and fork-

Kisame: FINALLY!!!

Ed: ...Food? Food!

Ichigo: Um...I've only had one other line.

Tobi: -pats shoulder- It's easier just to deal with your lack of lines than to argue about it. Let's eat. -pauses. starts crying- Well, _you_ can eat... -cries in corner-

Renji: -sweatdrop- Things are just a bit too crazy around here.

END


	47. NOTICE TO ALL READERS

This is a temporary notice to all of the readers of this fanfic.

I will not be posting anything up until both Rem's fanfic and the Road Trip of Doom get more reviews.

End of line.


End file.
